Look After You
by JillianCasey
Summary: Alternate Universe. Castle and Beckett take a trip and learn a thing or two about looking after each other.
1. Chapter 1

_Hello, everyone. I'm not sure how to preface this fic except to say that my muse bashed me over the head, hauled me back to her cave, and wouldn't let me leave until I wrote it. That being said, I'd love to know what you think. It'll be a longer fic, but updates may be quick if the ball keeps rolling the way it is now. The title of the fic is a song of the same name by The Fray. Each chapter starts with a line from the song-that's the phrase in italics you see below the line break. _

_::Deep breath:: Here we go..._

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><p><em>If I don't say this now I will surely break.<em>

It starts with a phone call.

When his phone rings, Rick shoots Kate a look from his chair next to her desk. She lifts her eyebrows. "Paula," he says.

She rolls her eyes and turns back to her paperwork. "I'm not available."

Rick smirks. Kate has a strict I'm-not-Nikki-Heat-so-don't-ask-me-to-appear-as-her policy that Paula seems to think is always up for negotiation. He answers the phone.

"Paula. Hello."

"Rick. Darling. Tell me how much you love me."

"What's up?"

"What, I get no love? While you play cops and robbers and then hole up in your loft with your sexy little detective _I'm_ out here slaving to make sure _you_ stay current and not old news."

"Paula—"

"No clubbing, no signing breasts, no starlets, all these rules you've got now makes my job a lot harder."

"Paula. I love you."

The only reaction his words get from Kate is a tiny hiccup of a pause as her fingers fly over her keyboard. Rick smiles and reaches for a pad of blue post-its and a pen from the corner of her desk.

"That's better," Paula says in his ear. "Because I finally figured out a way that I can keep you current _and_ not break your rules. Or get any dirty looks from that sex-on-a-stick girlfriend of yours."

"Paula," he warns. He starts doodling on the post-it. "Why don't you just tell me what your next diabolical plan is?"

"Charity. You're going to become the next literary do-gooder."

"I already do charity work. Lots of it. NYPD's Widows and Orphans Fund, UNICEF, the Humane Society. Plus I organized that benefit to rebuild that orphanage in Cuernavaca last year, remember?"

He finishes his doodle, rips the post-it from the pad, and leans forward to stick it on the bottom of Kate's monitor. He's drawn a heart in black pen that takes up the entire post-it, and inside the heart he's scribbled _KB + RC 4 Ever_. Kate glances at the post-it briefly and then keeps typing as if it's not there, but she hasn't taken it down and she's pursing her lips around a smile so Rick considers it a success. He starts admiring the elegant curve of her neck, thinking about how it's nice that his mother moved to LA and Alexis is at Columbia because when he gets Kate home tonight he's going to kiss her there, and there, and—

"Rick!" Paula calls shrilly from the other end of the line.

He snaps to attention. "What? Sorry. I was, uh…" Kate's smiling now. "What were you saying?"

"I _said_ that the orphanage is exactly my point. It's been up and running for a while now. You have to go visit."

"I have to _what_?"

"Everyone's done it. Oprah, Bono, even Carrie Underwood—it's all about orphans in other countries, Rick. You can take your girlfriend with you and bond with some kids, pose for some pictures, you'll be all over the press. And _she'll_ be pleased, I'm sure."

"Paula, we—"

"Rick, I can't talk about this now. I have that thing with what's-her-name."

"But I—"

"I'll explain it all later. I'll stop by the loft tonight. Seven. Ciao."

"Pau….shit."

Kate stops typing. "What's wrong?"

He sighs and rubs the back of his neck. "Paula's coming over tonight."

Her nose crinkles. "What for?"

"She…well, do you remember how I…" he sighs. "It's probably best to let her explain it."

X-X-X-X-X

After Rick walks Paula to the door, he wanders back to the kitchen and sees Kate at the sink washing dishes. He leans against the counter and takes her in for a minute, admiring the view. She's dressed casually, just a pair of jeans and a long sleeve blue t-shirt, and her hair is pulled back in a loose ponytail. They've been living together for a year now, but he still stops to marvel at her sometimes.

She looks at him over her shoulder. "You're staring."

"You're easy on the eyes," he says, moving toward her. He puts his hands on her hips and lowers his mouth to her neck. "I wonder if you're just as easy on the mouth…"

She elbows him gently. "You're a writer. You can do better than that."

He hums against her skin. He wraps his arms around her waist and breathes her in. They're both content to stand there for a while, his arms around her and her hands busy with the dishes, washing them and then putting them in the drying rack. He's got a dishwasher, but sometimes she washes them by hand. She told him once it reminds her of her mother.

When she finally shuts the faucet off, he hands her a towel. She leans her head back against his shoulder as she dries her hands.

"Paula's a bit like a tornado, isn't she?" he says. "She hits suddenly and leaves devastation in her wake."

"Devastation?" Kate echoes.

"Going to Cuernavaca for a week," he clarifies. "Things at the precinct are wild. It's a crazy idea." She doesn't say anything. Rick stands in silence for a while, and then adds quietly, "Isn't it?"

She sets the towel down on the counter and turns around to face him. Her expression is thoughtful, the way she looks when she's trying to decide how she feels about a suspect.

"What if we went?" she says at last.

He stares at her. "To Cuernavaca?"

"Yeah." She fiddles absently with one of the buttons on his shirt. "Don't you want to see all the good you've done?"

"I didn't do that. My money did."

She looks up at him from under her long eyelashes. "You earned that money. You chose to use it to rebuild that orphanage. You did good."

He can't help it. "I did well."

She shakes her head. "No, Rick. You did _good_."

He stares at her for a long time, reading the look in her eyes. He suddenly remembers how she stared at the pictures Paula brought over long after he stopped looking and started arguing.

"You want to go," he says. It's not a question.

She lifts a shoulder. "I think it would shut Paula up about how I've made you boring."

"Paula isn't the reason you want to go."

She bites her lip. "No." She exhales slowly and runs a hand over her hair. "I have to use my vacation days. Why can't we use them to go to Cuernavaca? If you're worried about your money doing things and not you, well, it's a chance to _do_ something."

"In Cuernavaca."

"Yes."

"Where there are drug lords and gang wars."

She smirks. "I doubt Paula will let her meal ticket go with less protection than all of the National Guard. But if push comes to shove, I'm sure I can protect you. I mean I know I'm not the CIA—"

"Below the belt," he cuts her off, but he's laughing. She smiles and his stomach does this weird flip that it does when he remembers that she only smiles like that when she's with him.

"What about the sun?" he asks. "I burn easily."

"I'll pack you a hat. A big one."

He almost makes a joke about sunscreen and how he will most certainly need her to rub it _all_ over his body, but something stops him. He's not sure what, exactly, but he thinks it's his mind's idea of what Kate will look like standing in the middle of an orphanage in Cuernavaca. He imagines the smile on her face, that dazzling megawatt grin that's so captivating; little arms wrapped around her long legs and her shoulders as the children cling to her like she's a human jungle gym; her laugh, the one that is rare and so beautiful it almost hurts.

He can't fight the need to touch her, to run the tips of his fingers over her cheek. She must see the sudden seriousness in his eyes, because she covers his hand with hers, turns her head so she can kiss his palm.

"What do you want?" she whispers against his skin.

"I want what you want."

"Rick," she says, meeting his gaze. He knows she hates when he says that.

He smiles. "Let's go. Me and you. Cuernavaca."


	2. Chapter 2

_You're the only one who knows, you slow it down_

Packing is forgotten, their suitcases shoved off of the bed and clothes tossed haphazardly throughout the room. It's mid-afternoon. The curtains act as sieves for the sunlight, and Kate can see particles of dust floating through the air when she opens her eyes.

She's still coming down off the high, trying to catch her breath when Rick's mouth finds hers. She puts her hands on either side of his face and kisses him back. She'll never get tired of this, of them.

"I love you."

Or that.

When she can finally breathe normally again, she inhales deeply with her nose pressed against his chest. He smells likes sweat and sex and her and _them_. "I knew this would happen," she murmurs.

He laughs into her hair. "It was inevitable."

"I blame you."

"I can't help it that I'm irresistible."

"_You_ jumped _me_," she points out.

"Splitting hairs."

She laughs. She kisses his sweat-slicked skin, trails her nails over his chest. Silence envelops them, and Kate thinks idly about everything they still have to do. Most importantly they have to pack, which is what they'd been doing until…well, until they started doing each other instead. Alexis is coming over for dinner tonight, since they're leaving early tomorrow morning. The passports and phone calls and traveling arrangements were organized weeks ago. So was Paula's press pull, which included an appearance on the _Today_ show.

"You looked good on TV today," Kate tells him.

He traces his hand over her bare back. "Camera adds ten pounds."

"You still looked good."

He doesn't say anything for a while. When he does, his voice is different than before.

"Katie."

"Hmm?"

"Am I doing this for the right reasons?"

She moves her head so she can see him, resting her jaw on his chest. "Doing what? Cuernavaca?"

"Yeah."

"What makes you think you're not?"

He continues to trail his hand over her skin, but he won't look at her. "Everything they were saying on the show this morning. All those statistics about orphans and poverty. There's forty kids in the orphanage, and all they could talk about this morning is how those kids would be on the streets, maybe dead, if I hadn't helped build it."

Kate waits until he looks at her to speak. "That's probably true. No one to feed them, give them a place to sleep, keep them safe...you fixed that for them."

"And now I'm going to see them."

She waits, knowing he has something else to say. He does.

"For publicity."

Kate's propped up on her elbows in a heartbeat, shaking her head. "No. That's not it."

"This was all Paula's idea. And Paula thinks it's publicity."

"Maybe for her it is. But not for you. Not for us."

He pushes her hair away from her face. "How can you be so sure?"

"Because I know you. You didn't write a check so that you could be on Page Six, and we're not going down there for a week so that people will think you're a good guy. You _are_ a good guy. You want to help. So we're going to help."

He digests her words for a little bit, and then he smiles. "We."

Kate frowns. "What?"

"_We_," he repeats. "You say _we_ now."

Her heart skips a beat. Instinctively, she wants to pull away. He's right. She doesn't just say it, she thinks it. She doesn't think in terms of _I_ anymore. She thinks in terms of _we_, _us_, _our_. The familiar urge to push him away smolders and then extinguishes as she realizes that it doesn't scare her anymore.

In the beginning of their relationship, she suffered from vertigo, constantly wondering how she managed to wake up in the middle of what she never knew she'd always wanted. There were moments where it was like looking into an abyss that went on forever; she got dizzy waiting for an end that wouldn't come, so eventually she stopped expecting one.

She can tell by his smile that he's heard her loud and clear. She's reassured him he's doing this for the right reasons, and the fact that he needs her reassurance isn't lost on her. Neither is the recognition that her word that he's a good man is all he needs as proof that he is. It's another _we_ thing.

"I like _we_," she finally whispers.

He smiles wider. "Me too."

X-X-X-X-X

La Casa de la Esperanza is beautiful. It's not a house but an entire complex, a little walled-in village on the outskirts of Cuernavaca for kids that otherwise would've been living on the streets. Kate remembers how it started. A fan asked Rick to tweet about an orphanage that was going under because of a lack of resources. He did, of course, but he didn't stop there. Before Kate knew what was happening, Rick had planned an entire benefit, complete with superstar guests and plenty of press.

He decided to rebuild the entire orphanage the night of the benefit. Kate remembers that, too. She remembers sitting at a table with Esposito, Ryan, Lanie, and Jenny, nursing a martini, having already made her rounds and relieved to be among _normal_ people. Suddenly Rick was at her shoulder, his hand on her back and his mouth by her ear.

"I want to rebuild it."

She looked at him. "What?"

"The orphanage. It's three tiny rooms in the middle of the city. It's cramped, it's…I want to build a complex. Dorm rooms, a cafeteria. I want there to be a school. I want it all redone."

She stared at him. He did this often, got ideas in his head that were grand and brilliant and incredibly complicated to put into practice. But something about the glint in his eye, the way he was _staring_ at her, waiting for her approval, made her smile. She touched the side of his face, presence of others be damned.

"Okay."

The benefit raised plenty of money, and Rick put his own contribution on top of it. He hired the best contractors he could find, and they built a miniature city on the outskirts of the real city. Shortly after that, Martha got engaged and there was a wedding to plan, a serial killer started working in Kate's jurisdiction…they never got the chance to see firsthand what the money had built. Now that they're here it's obvious that the money did well, _really_ well, and Kate can tell that Rick's just as impressed as she is as they pull through the front gate.

As their driver guides their black SUV to a stop inside the complex, they both notice a chubby middle-aged man beaming and waving furiously. When Rick gets out of the car, the man all but falls to his knees he's so excited.

"Señor Castillo, such a pleasure." He clamps his hands over Rick's and grins. "I am Juan Carlos, I am an administrator here. We are so glad to have you, you are truly a great benefactor. We were so excited to get Senorita Paula's call, we cannot express our gratitude…"

He's speaking so fast that Kate can barely understand him, though his English is pretty good. She climbs from the car and moves to Rick's side, and Juan Carlos's eyes widen.

"Órale, you must be Senorita Kate," he says. He drops Rick's hand and seizes hers, shaking it vigorously. "We are so excited to have you and Señor Castillo." He winks at Rick. "Novia hermosa, Señor."

Kate grins. Juan Carlos turns to signal a skinny teenage boy who is hovering in the doorway of the closest building, and Rick takes the opportunity to whisper to Kate.

"What did he say?"

"He said you should've done your homework."

Rick doesn't have time to pout because Juan Carlos is talking to them again. Kate can't resist a smirk. Paula set them up with Spanish tutoring sessions during the month it took to plan the trip. She'd only done it so she could leak it to the press, but Kate took advantage of the lessons. She practiced, did her homework, and, much to Esposito's pleasure, learned quite a bit. Rick, on the other hand, never did his homework, used his Spanish-English dictionary to concoct innuendos for her that only Esposito could understand, and started referring to suspects as _pinche __cabróns_.

"This is Gustavo." Juan Carlos gestures to the teenager next to him. "He works here a few times a week in exchange for schooling. He's learning English."

"Hola," Rick says, extending his hand. "Como te llamas?"

Gustavo shakes Rick's hand and looks at him strangely. Kate laughs. "His name is Gustavo, Rick."

"I know."

"Then why'd you ask him for his name?"

Rick frowns. "I did?"

Kate laughs again and offers Gustavo her hand. "Lo siento para Señor Castillo, Gustavo. Me llamo Kate."

Gustavo grins. He says something in rapid Spanish and Kate looks toward Juan Carlos, who quickly translates. "He's happy to meet you. He wants to take your bags to your room."

"Oh, he doesn't have to do that," Kate says quickly.

Rick nods. "We can—"

"Please," Gustavo interrupts. He glances shyly at Juan Carlos, who nods in encouragement. "I want to help."

Kate's heart melts a little. She smiles kindly. "We'd like that."

Gustavo springs into action. Kate notices Rick smiling at the teenager with the same affection she feels. She interlaces her fingers with his just as Juan Carlos says, "You would like a tour, no?"

X-X-X-X-X

At some point that night, their eyes meet across the room.

Rick is standing in the center of the playroom. He has a few kids wrapped around his legs, others hanging on his arms, and one clinging to his back with her little arms wrapped around his neck.

Kate is sitting at a table with crayons and paper spread out in front of her. She has a little girl sitting on her left knee and a little boy sitting on her right. Three other children are crowded around the table, coloring pictures. A little girl is standing behind her, running her fingers through Kate's hair repeatedly and speaking in rapid and unintelligible Spanish.

Kate glances up and sees Rick staring at her. Their gazes collide and hold, and Kate feels a smile spread across her lips. New York is thousands of miles away, murder is nowhere near her thoughts, and Rick is on the other side of the room looking like a human jungle gym. Nothing about their surroundings is normal. But the look on his face is one she knows well, and the warmth spreading through her feels so familiar that she almost doesn't even notice it.


	3. Chapter 3

_Hello, everyone :) Thanks for your reviews thus far—I never thought I'd write a fic like this, so the reviews have been lovely. Also, I meant to do this earlier, but it slipped my mind: my apologies for the rusty Spanish. Special thanks to my betas, even the one who is at the beach._

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><p><em>If ever there was a doubt my love she leans into me<em>

They've been in Cuernavaca for two days when Juan Carlos asks Kate if she and Rick want to sightsee downtown. He's got to pick up some things for the orphanage, which the staff affectionately calls _La Casa_ for short. After talking to Rick (who smiles and tells her if she wants to go, he does too), Kate tells Juan Carlos they'd love to tag along.

Juan Carlos picks up the supplies before offering to give them a short tour. She holds Rick's hand as they wander the streets with Juan Carlos as their guide. Rick buys Alexis a beautiful blanket from a street vendor, and Kate finds a stunning, hand-made necklace that Lanie will love. Juan Carlos insists on taking their picture numerous times. Kate thinks it's overkill, but she laughs and smiles for the pictures anyway. It's late afternoon and they're thinking about heading back when they hear the gunshots.

She flies into cop mode so fast it makes her head spin. She yanks Rick down behind a car, shouts at Juan Carlos to get down. The car rocks with the impact of bullets. Its windows shatter overhead. She pulls Rick close, shielding him with her body.

People are screaming. The sound of squealing tires and automatic weapons fills the air. Voices shouting Spanish profanities lift and fall. And then, just as quickly as it started, it stops.

The street is deathly quiet. Kate can hear herself breathing raggedly. She moves off of Rick, runs her hands over his chest and arms to check for wounds. He looks up at her dazedly.

Over his shoulder, she sees a woman lying face down on the sidewalk. Kate moves toward her, ignoring Rick's plea to stay put. There are three bullet wounds in the woman's back. Blood is oozing thickly toward the ground. Kate puts her fingers to the woman's neck. No pulse. She turns her over, and that's when she sees the bundle of blankets.

A piercing shriek echoes through the street. By the time Juan Carlos reaches them, unharmed except for a bleeding cut on his forehead, Kate is cradling the screaming baby in her arms.

X-X-X-X-X

"Mr. Castle, I'm terribly sorry about all this."

Rick sighs. Paula called seven times after the drive-by. How she heard about it so quickly he doesn't want to know. He ignored the calls, too focused on Kate, so Paula called Bob (leave it to Paula to call the Mayor of New York City because Rick Castle wasn't answering his phone). Now he's stuck on the phone with Ramon Ortega, a representative from the US Consulate. Where he _wants_ to be is with Kate. She's sitting on the other side of the room, watching a doctor check out the baby.

Juan Carlos looks so guilty it's as if he was the one who'd done the drive-by instead of members from a local cartel. He hasn't made eye contact with Rick yet, and he's hovering over Kate. Kate doesn't seem to notice. She hasn't taken her eyes off of the baby.

"It's fine, we're all fine," Rick assures Ortega. "Just picked the wrong day to go sightseeing."

"The federales are doing their best, but a civil war within a cartel like this one is not a pretty thing. Drive-bys in disputed territories are common, I'm afraid."

"I understand," Rick says. "Please, you don't have to apologize. We're all okay."

"I have assured the Mayor you will have a guarded escort back to La Casa de la Esperanza. Of course, I understand if you would like to fly back to the States tonight."

"Fly back? Don't be ridiculous. Our flight is scheduled for five days from now, and that's when we'll leave."

"And Miss Beckett—"

"_Detective_ Beckett would tell you the same thing, I assure you, Mr. Ortega. Now please, stop apologizing. This is beyond your control. If for any reason I need you, I will call you. I have your number."

"Please don't hesitate."

"I won't. Thank you."

Rick ends the call and is on the other side of the room, kneeling in front of Kate, in a heartbeat.

"Kate."

She looks at him, distracted because she's watching the baby, but the moment she sees the look on his face she smiles softly. "Hey."

"Hi," he breathes, reaching up to brush her hair from her face. "How are you feeling?"

She gives him a look and stands up. "I've been in much worse shape than this, Castle. Stop worrying."

She only uses his last name when they're at work. Otherwise it's a pet name she uses when she's trying to make a point, and she's just made one.

He smiles and gets to his feet. "I thought I was getting you _away_ from bullets when I brought you down here."

"I'm a magnet, apparently."

"Think you can shut off your magnetic powers for a little bit? You almost gave me a heart attack back there."

"I'll see what I can do." A wicked glint flashes in her eyes. She leans forward, wrapping her arms around his neck to hug him. When he hugs her back, she whispers in his ear, "If I'm going to give you a heart attack, I'd prefer it to be like the one you have when I wear my red stilettos."

He grins, because only _she_ would know how to make an innuendo that will stop him from worrying. "I don't suppose you brought those with you?" he whispers back.

"Nope." She breaks the embrace and leans away. Amusement dances in her eyes, along with a hint of lust. "Sorry, Big Rick."

Her grin fades a little when she runs a hand through his hair. For a brief second their eyes hold and she allows him to see that she's just as grateful as he is that they made it out alive. He catches her hand in his and they both turn to Juan Carlos.

"Señor Castillo…" the man starts.

"No, no," Rick cuts him off, waving his free hand. "If you're about to apologize, I don't want to hear it. I got enough of that from Ramon Ortega."

"Ramon Ortega, dios mío," Juan Carlos mutters, glancing at the ceiling and crossing himself. "I never imagined there would be a shooting in the afternoon—"

"Juan Carlos," Kate interrupts. Rick looks at her in surprise. She's got an edge to her voice that he's only accustomed to hearing in the interrogation room. "This isn't your fault. You can't control the fact that a bunch of cartel members wanted to have a territory dispute any more than Rick and I can. So stop apologizing."

Juan Carlos bows his head. "Sí, Senorita."

Kate leans forward and rests her hand on Juan Carlos's arm. "You're a wonderful man, Juan Carlos. You do wonderful things for the kids at La Casa, and you've been very kind to Rick and me. Let's focus on that, okay?"

When he looks up at Kate with a shy grin and a hint of a blush, Rick rolls his eyes. Kate's got every man on staff at La Casa madly in love with her, and all the women think she's a goddess.

The baby cries shrilly. Kate looks at him, her eyebrows gathering together. She lets go of Rick's hand and reaches for the baby tentatively. The doctor surrenders him with a smile. The baby stares at Kate, his eyes fixed on her face as she adjusts him on her hip. He reaches forward, grabbing a fistful of her shirt.

Kate smiles. "Hey, little man."

He tugs on her shirt, then bounces in her arms and squeals. Kate laughs. "Nice to meet you too."

The doctor says something in rapid Spanish, and Juan Carlos translates for Kate and Rick.

"He said the baby is okay. A little underfed though."

The doctor says something else, smiles politely, and then leaves the room. "He said to make sure he eats soon," Juan Carlos says.

"Is there a market we can stop at on the way back?" Kate asks, her body moving as she bounces gently. The baby stares at her unblinkingly, still clutching her shirt. "I don't want him to be hungry."

"Senorita Kate…."Juan Carlos starts. Something in his voice is off, timid maybe, and that catches Rick's attention. Juan Carlos shakes his head. "We cannot take the baby back to La Casa."

Kate stops bouncing and looks at him. "Why not?"

"We are not equipped to handle such young children—"

"It's an orphanage!"

"He is just a baby, we have an age minimum—"

"You have _got_ to be kidding me—"

"Okay, okay," Rick interrupts loudly, stepping between Kate and Juan Carlos with his hands raised. They both fall silent. Rick turns to Juan Carlos. "You have an age minimum?"

"We have to," Juan Carlos explains. "We are already overcrowded and we do not have a large enough staff to handle the children we have now. A baby needs constant care." He nods at the baby in Kate's arms. "He is around one year old. Younger, I think. That is below the minimum."

"So what do you do with babies that are dropped off?"

"We don't get many, but we take them to the hospital. Sometimes they can find homes for them with the wealthy patrons and doctors of the hospital or with mothers who have lost their children."

"_Sometimes_?" Kate demands. The baby fidgets in her arms and she switches him to the other hip.

"It is a broken system, Senorita," Juan Carlos says, holding out his hands. "We have cartel violence and so much gang warfare, we cannot solve all problems." He's pleading with Kate, trying to get her to understand, but she won't have it.

"Rick," she says insistently. He looks at her. Her eyebrows are gathered intently, and she stares him down with a determined look that he knows means he's going to have to pry that baby out of her dead hands before she'll let him go somewhere she can't be sure he's safe. The baby latches on to a strand of her hair and pulls. She doesn't break eye contact as she reaches up, prying his fingers loose as she speaks. "I'm not dropping him off at the hospital and hoping that someone claims him."

"Kate—"

"_I'll_ do it," she interrupts. "I'll take care of him until we can find his family. Until we can be sure he's safe."

"Senorita—"Juan Carlos starts, but he stops when Rick holds up a hand.

"No." Rick looks at him. "There's no use arguing when she's got that look on her face."


	4. Chapter 4

_Thanks for sticking with me, guys. I have no excuses for how fluffy this chapter is. I promise I'll make it up to you with some angst later. Thanks to my betas, who are always so patient and brilliant. _

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><p><em>Forgive the urgency, but hurry up and wait<em>

The first night with the baby is long. He wakes every two or three hours, screaming and flailing within the confines of the brand-new crib that Rick and some of the male staff members put together after dinner. Juan Carlos has loaned them his two-room bungalow for the duration of their stay, and Kate is glad he's sleeping in the dorms instead of on his couch; that way the baby isn't waking him up, too.

Kate knows how confused the baby must be: he's in unfamiliar surroundings, and despite her best efforts to comfort him, she's not his mother. Her patience with his wailing, however, seems to be getting through to him. Each time he wakes, he fusses for shorter periods of time. At Rick's suggestion she'd tried to see if he'd go back to sleep on his own, but he wouldn't. The periods of crying only get shorter if she holds him close and whispers to him.

She can't stop thinking about her first night without her mother. The ache in her chest, the chill of the pillowcase on her cheek as she buried her head in the pillow to cry so that her father wouldn't hear. The baby is anything but quiet, but every time he starts to cry it's empathetic heartbreak that washes over her instead of exhausted frustration.

X-X-X-X-X

The alarm goes off at eight. Rick groans and rolls over, burying his face in the back of her neck.

"Nu uh," he murmurs. "Turn i'off."

Kate yawns, but she doesn't want to sleep in. Juan Carlos invited them to La Casa's Sunday morning mass, which is put on by a priest from the local parish. Juan Carlos said he'd asked Padre Antonio to start coming Sunday mornings a few months ago because so many of the older children missed going to mass with their families. Kate was intrigued to see how it affected them. Rick had said he'd go with her.

"Come on," she says softly after she shuts off the alarm. She sits up in bed. "You promised."

"No," he pouts, burrowing under the blankets. "Promise revoked."

Kate smirks. She gets out of bed and pads over to the crib. The baby blinks at her blearily and gurgles. She smiles and lifts him into her arms.

"You can't revoke a promise, Rick." The baby nuzzles into her neck, and she rests her jaw against his head as she turns to look at the breathing mass beneath the blankets. "I want to see what it's like for them."

"Just like any other mass," he mumbles. The pile of blankets shifts. "Nothing new."

"That's not true and you know it. Get up, drama queen. I'll feed him while you shower."

The baby paws at Kate's nose and she smiles, grabbing his hand and kissing it. She doesn't bother telling Rick again; she goes into the kitchen to get a bottle instead. When she comes back into the room, she sits cross-legged on the bed with the baby cradled in the crook of her arm. Rick is fidgeting but still hiding stubbornly beneath the covers. It takes him a few minutes, but finally he throws the blankets off. She watches him shuffle toward the bathroom, grumbling the whole way.

He glares at her from the doorway. His gaze moves between her and the baby in her arms, sucking eagerly from the bottle she's holding up to his mouth, his tiny hands on top of hers as if he's afraid she'll take it away.

"Not cute," Rick mutters. It's written all over his face that he's lying.

Kate grins. He shuts the door, still glaring, and she laughs.

"Somebody's grumpy," she murmurs against the baby's head, his dark, soft hair brushing her lips. "You'll have to be extra cute and melt away the grumpies."

The baby continues to suck on the bottle. She hears the sound of the shower being turned on.

"You have to try not to cry during mass, okay?" She wraps her hand around one of his legs. The doctor was right; he is thin.

"Mass is a church service," she adds. "A Catholic service. Juan Carlos—you remember Juan Carlos, don't you? You met him yesterday. He held you while Rick and I asked all those people about your family."

The baby fidgets in her lap and the bottle slips out of his mouth. She guides it back to his lips before he can cry.

"Anyway, he has a priest come here on Sundays and he invited us to come. Most of the older kids went to mass with their families before they lost them." She stares at how small his fingers are on top of hers. "Did your mom take you to mass, little man?"

She's answered by the sound of frantic sucking.

"My mom used to take my dad and me to church on Christmas Eve." More sucking. He grips her hand tighter, and she holds him closer. "She's gone. Like your mom."

For a while, there's no sound except continued sucking and the faint sound of the shower. "I'm sure you miss her," Kate murmurs. She presses a kiss to the top of his head. "But it'll get easier. I promise. Especially when we find your family."

He releases the bottle from his death grip and freezes, and then a hiccup rocks through his little body. Kate laughs and turns him toward her. She puts his feet on the bed and helps him stand, her hands beneath his armpits. He hiccups again, his knees buckling. Kate tightens her grip, holding him up. He puts his hands on her face for balance, smooshing her cheeks together.

"Hi," she whispers.

He gurgles, and a trail of drool seeps out of the corner of his mouth and onto her arm.

"Oh gross," Kate says, wiping her arm on the bed. She dabs at his mouth with the corner of a blanket. "Gross," she says again, only this time she says it like she's talking to a dozen puppies or…well, a really cute baby.

He giggles and bounces on the bed. Kate laughs and says it again.

"Am not," Rick says, appearing in the doorway amidst a cloud of steam. He's got a towel around his waist, and his body's still wet. She must have one of _those_ looks on her face because he grins.

"No lecherous thoughts in front of the infant, darling."

Kate rolls her eyes.

X-X-X-X-X

On Monday night La Casa has an epic shaving cream fight, boys versus girls.

It's Rick's idea. He remembers it from the one summer his mother sent him to a camp where there were actually cabins and campfires and forest for miles. He proposes the idea to Juan Carlos, who thinks it's fantastic. They buy dozens of cans of shaving cream and hook up multiple hoses in preparation for cleaning off the kids.

One of the members of La Casa's staff, an older woman by the name of Lupe, eagerly offers to look after the baby so Kate can be a part of the fight. At first Kate is hesitant, and Rick watches with disguised interest as she fumbles for an excuse not to participate. Lupe spent a decade or two in the States, so she speaks English well; she's got a rebuttal for every argument Kate makes. Finally, Kate has no choice but to agree. She hands the baby over with a murmured warning about how he likes to put anything he can get ahold of into his mouth.

Rick doesn't even pretend to squirt the kids. When Juan Carlos blows the whistle to start the fight, he beelines for Kate. Within minutes they're both covered in white and she's laughing as she smoothes his hair into a mohawk. Blades of grass are stuck to the shaving cream on the tops of her bare feet, and he's styled her hair into three long spikes. He's been good about PDA since they arrived, but when she squirts some shaving cream into her hand and then smacks it onto the center of his forehead with a very un-Beckett giggle, he plants one on her. She doesn't pull away.

A chorus of "beso beso" starts up thanks to Manuel, a rowdy eight-year-old who's big for his age. Kate laughs and pulls away from Rick, then takes off after Manuel with a can of shaving cream in each hand. Manuel can't waddle fast enough to escape Kate's long strides, but it doesn't matter; just before she reaches him she steps in a pile of shaving cream, slips, and then hits the grass in a mess of white-covered legs and arms and hair spikes.

Rick bursts out laughing, but it's drowned out by the sound of dozens of children giggling and shouting. Kate laughs as she tries to fend of Manuel, who sprinted back and started squirting her the second he realized she wasn't chasing him anymore. Manuel proves to be the least of her worries; Rick watches as she's surrounded by a crowd of wildly laughing, shaving cream-drenched kids brandishing cans in their little hands.

Rick charges toward the fray, wielding cans of his own and shouting about being her white knight. Only the children who are older and nearly fluent in English can understand him, but it doesn't matter; he's smiling and squirting them and they love him for it.

The tide turns and suddenly half of them are focused on him instead of Kate. Rick lets out a high-pitched squeal and cowers, yelping that it's Kate's turn to be his white knight. He can hear her laughing even over the wild giggling and shouting of the kids around him.

X-X-X-X-X

Later, Rick sits on the porch steps of the bungalow with the baby in his lap. Kate's in the shower, washing the shaving cream out of her hair. The sun is setting in the distance, and the baby is gnawing on the edge of a tiny toy football, drool oozing everywhere.

Rick pushes the baby's bottom lip aside and squints. "Are you teething?" he asks.

The baby gurgles.

"Hm," Rick says, lifting the top lip. "Yeah, a little. No wonder you've been fussy."

He bounces his knees and the baby jostles up and down and starts giggling. Rick grins. "Yeah, you're right. You're not too fussy. Fussier than Alexis though."

The baby gnaws on the end of the football and watches Rick with wide eyes, listening.

"She was quiet," Rick explains. "Very sweet, but very curious. Always knew what was going on, but content to watch. Buddha baby."

The baby squeaks and flails his arms around. Rick half expects him to launch the football across the porch.

"You're not Buddha baby," he observes. "You're active baby. Maybe you'll be a famous football player. Nope, no. You're right. It's soccer down here, isn't it?"

Something creaks behind him, and he looks over his shoulder to see Kate standing in the threshold of the front door, her wet hair falling in waves around her face.

"Hey," he says.

She smiles. "Hi."

She doesn't move. Rick frowns. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just watching."

Rick snorts. "Creeper."

She laughs quietly. The baby turns his head in her direction and then holds out his hands. Kate smiles and crosses the porch. She sits down next to Rick, and the baby leans forward, stretching his arms out farther toward her. Kate pulls him into her lap.

"Hi little man," she says, burying her nose in his hair. "Watching the sunset?"

Rick watches the baby rest his head against Kate's shoulder. She runs her hand over the baby's face, and he drops the football and wraps his fingers around her thumb, snuggling closer. When Kate plants a kiss on the top of the baby's head, Rick feels the same affection racing through him that he did in the middle of the shaving cream fight. He puts a hand on her knee.

"Hopefully the federales will call tomorrow with news about his family."

Kate nods absently, her eyes never leaving the baby. "Hopefully."


	5. Chapter 5

_You've begun to feel like home_

"Wait," Rick murmurs, snaking his arm around Kate's waist and pulling her back against his chest. "Maybe he'll stop on his own."

The baby shrieks again. Kate tries to pry Rick's arm off of her. "You know that's not going to happen."

"A man can dream." He nuzzles into the back of her neck. "I was dreaming about you in a red bikini on a private beach…."

Kate laughs quietly, but it's drowned out by the baby screaming from the crib in the corner of the room. "Keep dreaming, Rick. In the meantime, he's going to wake up all the kids."

Rick finally releases his hold on her, maybe because he doesn't like the image of forty kids waking up in the middle of the night any more than she does. Juan Carlos's bungalow is on the far end of La Casa's property, but the closest building is one of the dorms.

Kate climbs out of bed and pads over to the crib. It's Tuesday night, and the baby has gotten considerably less fussy over the past few days as he's gotten used to them. It's the third time tonight he's woken them up, but even that is much less frequent than before.

He's flushed from screaming, his face screwed up in anger. She sweeps him into her arms, cradling him to her chest and bouncing slightly. She pretends not to notice Rick watching her with his hands behind his head.

"Shh," she murmurs, brushing her fingertips over the baby's thick, dark hair. She moves down to his face, tracing over the soft skin of his cheek. "It's okay little man. Shh. I'm right here."

She paces the room for a while, bouncing and whispering. She yawns occasionally, but the tiny fists gripping her index finger and clutching her hair are still so new to her that she doesn't feel an ounce of irritation.

As the baby quiets and starts to doze, Kate glances at the bed, fully expecting to see Rick fast asleep. He's not. His hands are still behind his head and there's a look on his face…a shudder races through her. She's suddenly aware of how little she's wearing; nothing but one of his t-shirts, a faded gray one that says _Kiss Me I'm A Writer_ in red letters. He makes a show of looking her up and down, and she rolls her eyes and heads for the crib.

When she puts the baby back in the crib, he makes a soft whimpering sound but doesn't wake up. It hits Kate somewhere deep, makes her feel as if her bones are vibrating like tuning forks. She feels Rick behind her even before he touches her.

His hands grip her hips and pull her back against his body. He traces his tongue over the edge of her ear. She turns her head toward his mouth.

"Can you keep your tongue in your mouth in front of the baby?" she whispers.

"Why don't you come away from baby's line of vision?" he suggests as he walks them backward a few steps.

Kate reaches behind her, running her fingers through his hair at the nape of his neck as he kisses beneath her ear. "Are we going to keep calling him baby?"

"You want to name him?"

"I don't know."

She's silent for a while, thinking over their conversation with the federales. The baby's mother is a Jane Doe. No one's claimed her body. The federales don't know who she is or where she's from, and they're too concerned with refereeing cartel wars to look into it. Their willingness to give up infuriates Kate, reminds her of how easily her mother's case was written off. Rick must've seen that in her eyes, because he's had her back every step of the way.

When she was nine, she and her best friend found a stray dog. She remembers going with her mother to hang flyers on lampposts, phone booths, store windows. In a weird way, that's what the past few days have felt like, except now the stakes are much higher. Every time the baby wraps his little fingers around hers, her heart aches for him. She wants him to have a home, she wants him to have a someone. She wants to use her badge, wants to investigate herself, but her Spanish isn't good enough. Rick's hired people who can do it, but it hasn't worked.

They're running out of time. They've only got two full days left in Cuernavaca and they've exhausted almost every avenue of investigation. Maybe she's slamming her head against a wall, but she can't stop. She won't. She won't get on a plane until she knows he's safe with someone who wants him.

"Kate?" Rick says in her ear.

She sighs. "We can't find his family."

"We're doing everything we—"

"I know."

He holds her closer. "What is it?"

"We can't find his name either."

He waits. She swallows and strokes his arm absently.

"I'm tired of can't," she finally finishes.

"Okay," he whispers. "We can't give him a family right now, but we can give him a name." He nibbles on her ear. "Pedro."

She laughs and turns to face him. "Seriously?"

He grins. "When in Rome."

They're standing at the edge of the bed. She prods him in the chest, and he tumbles back onto the mattress dramatically. She remains standing, a smirk on her lips. "I don't like Pedro."

"Pablo," he suggests. He wraps his legs around hers and tugs, trying to get her to fall on top of him. She resists.

"Don't like that either," she tells him.

"Enrique."

He tugs again but she holds her ground. "Nope."

"Javier."

"_Definitely_ not."

He laughs. He tugs harder and she falls forward, but she pushes off of his chest into a standing position again instantly. He eyes her, suddenly aware that she's not coming down until they think of a name. He props himself up on his elbows.

"Noah?" she suggests.

He shakes his head. "No."

"Paul? David?"

He smirks. "Is your next suggestion Abraham?"

She glares at him. "All right, you're the lit guy. You think of one."

He considers her challenge for a long moment, his eyebrows gathered in thought. "Samuel Taylor Coleridge's oldest son was named David," he tells her. "But when he became a writer, he went by his middle name."

She waits, but he doesn't explain further. She nudges his leg with her knee. "Well? What was it?"

"Hartley."

It's not what she expected to hear. She thinks about it, turning the name over in her mind. "Hartley," she repeats. "It's…unique."

He shakes his head. "You're right, it's weird. It's—"

"I like it."

That shuts him up. He stares at her in surprise. "Really?"

She can't decide if she should be offended that he sounds so surprised or if she should cave in to how endearing it is when pleasure spreads over his face. She reaches for the hem of her shirt and pulls it over her head, tossing it somewhere off to the side of the bed. The same sequence of reactions passes over his face: surprise, then pleasure. She leans over him, and he runs his hands over her sides.

"Yes, really," she murmurs.

He moves his fingertips over her back like a blind man trying to memorize her. She stifles a shiver and nibbles his jaw line.

"Do you think I should roll Hartley's crib into the other room?" he whispers.

"Why would you do that?" she breathes into his ear.

She's not sure when his hands got so far south, but she knows exactly when he slides his fingers into her. She moans and lets her head fall forward, her forehead on his shoulder.

"Because of that," he says, and she can hear the laugh threading through his voice. "He just fell back asleep."

She nuzzles the curve of his neck. "You mean we're not going to sleep now too?"

"Not a chance."

She laughs quietly. "Move the crib. But I can't promise I won't wake him anyway."

X-X-X-X-X

Kate throws her hair into a messy bun the next morning when she gets out of the tiny shower in the bungalow's tiny bathroom. The Mexican sun will dry it for her. She dresses quickly, wanting coffee and Hartley. When she gets to the main room of the house, a combined kitchen and living space, she sees Rick in a chair with Hartley sitting on the table in front of him.

"So then I tackled her to the ground, saved her life, and became a hero. You didn't realize you were living with a hero, did you?"

Kate stifles a laugh and leans against the doorframe. The baby watches Rick with wide eyes, his toy football in his mouth. Suddenly he pulls it out of his mouth and heaves it at Rick. It hits him square in the chest, and Rick looks down.

"Oh _gross_. You have a serious drooling problem, amigo."

Hartley squeaks and bounces. Rick keeps talking as he reaches down to pick the football up off the floor. Kate can hear the smile in his voice.

"You need to show me some respect, Hart. I'm a big deal. But…well, okay. She's the brilliant one. I'm just there to admire her brilliance. And her butt."

"Classy, Castle."

Rick shoots out of his chair, startled. He clutches Hartley to his chest and turns to look at her, his eyes wide. "Holy…what the hell, Kate. You scared the crap out of me."

"Watch your mouth," she tells him, closing the distance between them. Hartley sees her and reaches out his hands, whining impatiently. She holds out her hands, too, and Rick hands him over.

"Hartley is much too young to learn bad words," she says, pressing a kiss to his head. "Aren't you, little man?" Hartley pats her cheek a few times and babbles. She gives Rick a look. "And also much too young to hear your _lies_."

Rick's retort is stopped short by the front door banging open. Kate squints, the sunlight pouring blindingly into the bungalow. She can't tell who's framed in the door, but the voice gives it away.

"What the hell? The kids stay _with_ you?"

"Paula?" Rick asks. His hand is suddenly on the small of Kate's back. "What are you doing here?"

Kate bites back a request for Paula to watch her mouth as the agent steps more fully into the room and out of the sun. She looks entirely out of place in her four inch heels and a dress she's all but poured herself into. She rips her sunglasses from her face and gawks at Hartley. Hartley gawks right back, two of his fingers in his mouth and his other hand fisting into Kate's shirt.

"That's not _your_ kid, is it?"

"No, it's not," Kate answers, trying and failing to keep her voice civil. She holds Hartley closer. "It's nice to see you too, Paula."

Paula smiles and then rounds on Rick. "Jesus, Rick, don't you answer your phone?"

Rick lifts his eyebrows. "I thought we were doing publicity on Wednesday."

"It _is_ Wednesday." Paula steps aside and waves in a photographer, who moves into the bungalow and immediately snaps a dozen pictures of Kate with a baby in her arms and Rick's hand on her back.

Kate feels anger race through her veins, and she's moving toward Paula with something awful on the tip of her tongue when Rick steps in front of her. "We agreed Kate wouldn't be in any pictures, Paula. Get out. Now."

"You've got explaining to do," she says, pointing a long, manicured finger at the writer. "We'll wait for you at the main building with what's-his-name. Ron Carlos."

"_Juan_ Carlos," Kate corrects. Hartley squeals and fidgets in her arms, as if he's just as irritated as she is.

Paula eyes him curiously. "Whatever. This isn't a day long affair, Rick. Don't keep me waiting."

She's gone as quickly as she came, and Kate is furious. Rick turns to face her, a slight wince on his face. "I forgot it was Wednesday."

Kate just glowers at him.

"I swear to God, Kate, I did. So did you! We both forgot. It's nobody's fault." He darts his eyes toward Hartley, then back to her. "Do you want to put him down?"

"Why? You afraid I'm going to throw him at you?"

Rick grimaces. "No. I just…don't want to fight with him watching."

Hartley emits a throaty gurgling noise. Kate looks down to see his fist in his mouth, drool seeping onto her shirt. She exhales sharply and holds him out to Rick.

"Take him."

He does, and Kate goes into the bedroom. Rick follows, dabbing a towel at Hartley's mouth. "Kate."

"What?" she snaps, ripping off her shirt. She starts digging for a new one in her suitcase.

"Usually when she's half naked it goes better than this," Rick whispers.

Kate turns to see him hunched forward, whispering to Hartley. He goes ramrod straight when they make eye contact, his eyes wide. Hartley is also looking at her, his fist still in his mouth.

"I'm not sure which of you is the child," Kate says, glancing between them.

Rick smiles sheepishly. "Good thing you like kids, huh?"

Kate pulls on a new shirt without a response. Once she gets it over her head, he moves to stand in front of her. "You're not mad at me."

It's a statement, not a question. She sighs. "No."

"You're mad because…"

"Because that woman has no soul."

"That's not…" Kate lifts an eyebrow, and he tilts his head. "Yeah, okay. True. But what you're really mad about is that your picture got taken and you're not supposed to be in any pictures."

She takes Hartley out of his arms and holds the baby close, inhaling the scent of his hair. He rubs his cheek against hers and giggles. "I need coffee," she answers Rick.

He grins. "Coffee now or Paula dies. Got it."


	6. Chapter 6

_My heart has started to separate_

Paula holds Rick hostage for the rest of the morning doing interviews and a taped tour, but Kate doesn't have a problem finding ways to keep herself busy. Lupe chatters all morning to Kate about how Hartley looks like her grandson and how she and Rick are a beautiful couple. Kate just smiles and listens.

Later that afternoon she feeds Hartley while she watches Rick playing soccer with a large group of kids. The photographer from earlier is never more than two feet away, snapping pictures like crazy. He has to dodge the soccer ball every so often, and Kate's pretty sure that Rick is kicking the ball at him on purpose.

She's successfully burped Hartley and managed to capture his attention with his new stuffed elephant when Paula sits down next to them at the picnic table. "Hello, Kate."

"Hi." Hartley latches onto Kate's finger and holds up his elephant to show her. She smiles. Suddenly it's a lot harder to be mad. She makes a face at him, and he grins and squeals.

"He's cute."

Kate glances at Paula in surprise. Hartley wiggles in Kate's lap and shoves the elephant's trunk in his mouth. She smiles. "Yeah, he is."

"Rick said he's an orphan?"

Something in the tone of Paula's voice, the way she's purposefully not making eye contact, sets Kate on her guard. Suddenly she feels as though she's in the middle of an interrogation, and Paula is trying to do to her what she normally does to suspects.

She nods. "Yeah."

"He's staying in the bungalow?"

"Mhmm."

"He spends all day with you?"

"Mostly."

The one word answers have the effect Kate knew they would. Paula turns to look her in the eye with a brief flash of frustration.

"Hard not to fall in love with a kid like that, don't you think?"

As badly as Kate wants to call her out and tell her to say whatever the hell it is she's circling, she refuses.

"I'm sure he'll break plenty of hearts."

Hartley squeaks and points at Rick, who is laughing loudly as a group of children chase him. Paula's getting irritated now, and Kate tries to stifle a smirk. She has to play mind games like this all the time—does Paula really think she stands a chance?

"Endearing little scene I walked in on this morning," Paula says. "Almost like you guys were a family."

Any hint of amusement drains out of Kate. She meets Paula's gaze. "Rick and I _are_ a family."

Paula smiles, sickeningly sweet. "And you've never thought about adding one more?"

Kate returns her smile. "I don't think Rick would like having a dog. He'd have to walk it every day."

Anger flashes through Paula's eyes. Kate doesn't look away. Paula leans closer. "Do you want some advice, honey?"

Kate bristles at the pet name but keeps her smile pasted on. "Sure."

"You should make sure you and Rick are on the same page."

Kate doesn't get to answer. Suddenly Rick is standing in front of them, panting a little from playing soccer. "All right, Paula. You got your shots."

Two little boys tackle Rick's legs and he laughs, swaying but not falling. "Enrique! Manuel!"

The little boys giggle and Rick shoos them away with another laugh. Hartley squeaks and holds his hands up to Rick. Paula gets to her feet, brushing off her dress with a hint of disdain. "Thank you, Rick."

Rick holds out his arms to Kate, and she passes him Hartley wordlessly. He coos at the baby, holding him up in the air. "You met the little man, I see," Rick says to Paula, pulling Hartley back down to his chest and planting a kiss on the baby's chubby cheek. Hartley clutches Rick's cheeks and pushes them together.

"Yes," Paula says, smirking. "Your girlfriend and I were just talking about how hard it will be to say goodbye."

Rick moves his head out of Hartley's reach and smiles. "Yeah, but I think we'll manage. We can visit anytime."

Paula turns her gaze to Kate instantly, pointedly, and Kate forces herself to meet it head on. "Nice to see you, Paula."

The publicist smiles, unabashed by the blatant dismissal. "Always a pleasure to see you as well, Detective."

She waves impatiently at the photographer and then picks her way across the field toward the entrance like she's trying to avoid landmines. Rick sits down next to Kate and plants a sweaty kiss on her temple.

"I told you she's a tornado. What were you guys talking about?"

"You." Kate reaches over to smooth Hartley's mussed black hair. "Tomorrow is our last day here."

"It is, isn't it?" Rick bounces Hartley on his knee.

"Did you hear back from anyone you called about placing Hartley?"

Rick turns toward her, a smile spreading across his lips. "Yeah, actually. I got the call this morning. I've been dying to tell you."

He's grinning like a kid on Christmas morning. Kate's stomach drops suddenly. "Well?" she prompts.

"He's staying here."

"Here?" she repeats. Hartley starts to fuss, and Rick passes him to Kate. "He can't stay here," she continues. "They don't have the staff."

"They do now."

Hartley grasps a fistful of Kate's shirt, but she's too busy staring at Rick. "What are you talking about?"

"I hired someone. Well, allocated the funds for them to hire someone. Juan Carlos knew the perfect woman for the job, so we tag teamed. He offered her the job, I offered the salary. She starts the day we leave."

Kate knows she should say something, but nothing will come out. She looks down at Hartley to see him watching her, his tiny fingers grasping the collar of her shirt.

"She'll be full-time care for him and other kids under the minimum age requirement," Rick explains. "Which means that La Casa doesn't have to turn children away anymore. I called the contractors, and they're going to build another building, one that will have everything babies could ever need. Once the construction is done, Juan Carlos will hire a few more staff members." He runs his index finger along Hartley's cheek, but Hartley doesn't take his eyes off of Kate. "He's going to be well taken care of."

A feeling of dread washes over her, thick and suffocating. Hartley will be taken care of, but it won't be by her. He'll stay here, and she'll go back to New York. He'll grow up with Juan Carlos and Lupe, and she'll solve murders. Maybe she'll visit once or twice, but she won't mean anything to him. She'll just be the woman who pulled him from his dead mother's arms after a drive-by, the girlfriend of the man who pays for the orphanage he lives in.

It's ridiculous. The sudden nausea she feels; the desire to hold Hartley closer to her body. She only has one more day with him while she wishes she had a million, but what did she expect? She knew it would come to this eventually. Cuernavaca is not New York; Juan Carlos's bungalow is not the loft—none of this is real. She and Rick solve murders. They don't raise kids.

"Kate?" She looks up, her throat tightening, to see Rick watching her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she says quickly. "That's great news, Rick. Really great news."

She busies herself with Hartley, unwilling to meet Rick's eyes. She stands up and shifts Hartley from one hip to the other. He watches her silently, patient with her fidgeting.

"I thought you'd be happy," Rick murmurs.

She flashes him a smile. "I am happy." She leans down and presses her lips against his quickly, smiling again as she pulls away. "Thank you."

Rick opens his mouth to say something else, but Lupe is calling their names and hurrying toward them.

"Señor! Senorita!"

Whatever Rick was going to say, he decides not to. Lupe stops in front of them, her tanned face flushed. "You have not made plans for your last night?"

"For tomorrow night?" Kate asks.

"Sí, tomorrow night. We will have a party."

"A party," Rick says, sounding impressed. "I do love a good fiesta."

Lupe claps her hands together. "Oh, we will throw a beautiful fiesta, Señor! We will have people and food and dancing!" She settles her gaze on Kate with a twinkle in her eyes. "I have something for Senorita. For the party."

"For me?"

"Sí! Ven conmigo, I will show you." Lupe holds out her hand, but Kate doesn't move.

Rick laughs and stands up. He pulls Hartley from her arms gently. The baby squeals in protest. "Go on," Rick says. "I'll watch him."

Kate turns to go, but Rick catches her wrist. She looks back at him to see an earnest, concerned expression on his face. "Can we talk later?"

She smiles and pulls her wrist away lightly. She holds his face in her hands and gives him a kiss. "There's nothing to talk about."

He obviously doesn't believe her, but she pretends not to notice. By the time she sees him again, she _will_ have control of her emotions. She follows Lupe away from him, feeling his eyes on her every step of the way.


	7. Chapter 7

_I have no excuse for how long this update has taken except that my muse and I got in an awful fight and I decided to leave this story alone for a short...10 months. Sorry._

* * *

><p><em>What's mine is yours to make your own<em>

When Rick opens the door to the largest office in the main building, Juan Carlos looks up from his desk and beams.

"Hola Señor."

"Hey, Juan Carlos."

"Does Senorita Paula need to speak with me again?"

"No, no, she's gone. You can stop holding your breath." Juan Carlos tilts his head in confusion, and Rick laughs. "Never mind."

As he enters the office, Juan Carlos nods at the wiggling baby in his arms. "You stole the baby from Senorita Kate?"

"Lupe had a surprise for her. Do you know what it is?"

Juan Carlos nods. "Sí. Lupe likes to make clothes. She has been working on a dress for Senorita Kate since you arrived. It is very pretty."

"I'm sure Kate will do it justice," Rick says, sitting in a chair on the other side of the desk. He shifts Hartley to his knee and starts bouncing him. Hartley pounds a tiny hand against Rick's chest and giggles as Rick ruffles his hair absently. Kate's lack of enthusiasm about his good news is eating him alive. Did he miss something? Say something wrong? Should he have asked for her opinion before he made the plans? Or is it just that she doesn't want to say goodbye?

"Señor?" Juan Carlos asks. "Está bien? You seem upset."

Rick sighs. "Have you talked to Kate today?"

"No, Señor. Why? Is she upset?"

"I don't know," Rick admits. "I told her about Rosa and the new addition we're building just for babies. She didn't seem excited."

Understanding dawns across Juan Carlos's face. The second Rick sees it, his suspicions are confirmed. He sits for a second, stunned. He's not the only one who's noticed the expression Kate gets on her face when she looks at Hartley. Juan Carlos's words upon his entrance to the office say it all. _You stole the baby from Senorita Kate?_ Of course Juan Carlos would assume that. Kate never puts Hartley down, never lets him out of her sight.

She's in love.

Rick exhales heavily and sinks a little in his chair, keeping a firm grasp on the wiggling baby in his lap. It's not that he's surprised—he knows Kate. He's watched her interact with Hartley, watched her body language and her smile and listened to the sound of her voice. She'd fallen in love with Hartley a long time ago, all the way back when she'd found him and realized that he was motherless just like she is. The way she'd thrown herself into finding Hartley's family made Rick question whether he'd misread her affection, but her reaction to leaving Hartley at the orphanage is unmistakable.

She doesn't want to go back to New York without him.

"Do you want kids of your own, Juan Carlos?"

Juan Carlos grins and holds out his hands. "I have more kids than anyone, Señor. I do not need any more."

Rick doesn't answer. He makes a face at Hartley, who widens his eyes and makes a gurgling noise that sounds suspiciously like a giggle. Rick laughs, too, and then makes another face. Hartley squeaks.

"Do you want kids of your own, Señor?" Juan Carlos asks.

"I have a daughter. Alexis. She's twenty-one."

"And you do not want more?"

"I...I know Kate might. She's younger than me. She hasn't been married, doesn't have kids. I don't want to keep her from that if that's what she wants."

Rick doesn't know why he's telling Juan Carlos all this, especially since he doesn't even like to think about it himself. There are times when he looks at Kate and hopes that she doesn't feel like she's missing out. They're anything but traditional, and he occasionally wonders if she wishes that they were. It's not that he thinks she's unhappy—he knows that's not true. She _is_ happy. She wouldn't be in a relationship with him if she didn't want to be. But still, there are times…

Juan Carlos interrupts his thoughts. "Maybe you should talk to Senorita Kate about the baby."

Rick nods. He's planning on it.

X-X-X-X-X

He spends an hour wandering around the grounds of La Casa with Hartley, trying to decide what he should do. He and Kate are happy with it being just the two of them, but they're happy here with Hartley, too. He feels guilty about not asking her what she wants before now, and he wonders if there's a way he can fix it. Would it be fixed if Hartley became a part of their lives? If he made it possible for Kate to have what she's been missing? They've always been so wrapped up in work and each other and Alexis…would Hartley even fit?

He's sitting in the grass with Hartley, watching as the baby pulls at the blades of grass beneath him, when a shadow falls over him. He looks up to see Kate standing there, her hands on her hips.

"I've been looking for you."

At the sound of her voice, Hartley looks up. He makes a gurgling noise and thrusts his hands out at her, and the smile that takes over Kate's lips is stunning. She drops into a crouch immediately, reaching out to hold his face in her hands. He covers her hands with his.

"Hello handsome," she murmurs.

"Hello," Rick says.

She looks at him over her shoulder, still smiling. "I was talking to Hartley."

He grins. "Oh. My mistake."

He reaches for her. She gathers Hartley into her arms and then moves backward into Rick's lap. When her head rests against his chest he presses a kiss on her hairline and wraps his arms around her and Hartley. "Aren't I handsome too?"

She runs her fingers over his arm. "Very handsome."

"More handsome than Hartley?"

"That's like asking me to choose between Esposito and Ryan."

"Can I be Esposito?"

She laughs. "Why, you think he's cuter?"

"He's got that whole Latin lover thing going on. Chicks dig it."

She laughs again. For a while they don't say anything. They just sit there, watching Hartley, who's crawled away to play with the grass. She traces her fingertips over Rick's arm, her head rising with his chest each time he takes a breath. When she cranes her head to look up at him, he stares down at her.

"I'm sorry about earlier," she says, holding his gaze. "If I didn't seem excited, I mean. I am excited. What you did is sweet and generous and I'm grateful."

"But?"

Her eyebrows gather. "There is no but."

"You're not looking forward to saying goodbye to Hartley."

She breaks eye contact immediately, and her fingers stop trailing over his arm. She doesn't say anything. Rick listens to the silence (though occasionally it's interrupted by joyful squeals, since Hartley has figured out he can throw the grass in the air and shower himself in it), trying to gauge which type of silence it is. He's memorized most of her silences. He's a word person, but she isn't. She communicates with actions, facial expressions, gestures. Silence from Kate speaks as loudly as his words do. Her body is stiff in his arms, and he presses another kiss to her hairline as he realizes what it is. She's thrown off that he read her so well.

She shifts in his arms but doesn't look at him. "Saying goodbye is always hard."

"Especially when you've gotten so attached."

Another silence. This time it's because she's choosing her words very carefully. Hartley sticks his fist in his mouth and squeaks around it. Kate gestures toward him. "Look at him. He's adorable."

Hartley stares at Kate's outstretched hand and then abandons the grass and starts crawling toward them. He clambers up Kate's legs and onto her stomach. He starts to slide sideways but she catches him, wraps one arm around him and then smoothes his hair as he stares at her face intently.

Rick watches them. She must think that's enough of an answer, because she doesn't say anything else. "You think adorableness ever gets old?" he asks. He holds his breath, hoping she doesn't catch on that he's digging for something.

She laughs quietly. "I'm sure sticking his fist in his mouth will be frowned upon when he gets older."

Whether she knows what he's looking for or not, she's successfully avoided answering his unspoken question. He knows he can't push her anymore without starting a long conversation, and he can see Juan Carlos in the distance, hurrying toward them. He wants to make some calls first anyway, wants to get everything straightened out before he presents her with the idea.

"Senorita!" Juan Carlos calls. "I have been sent to get you for Natalia."

"Oh. I forgot," Kate says. "Hartley and I are supposed to help her with her class today."

Rick frowns. "How is Hartley going to help teach a class?"

"Well, he's not. I am. But—"

"Where you go, Hartley goes," Rick finishes. Something races across her face, a recognition of how attached she is, perhaps. Rick smiles. "I'll see you two at dinner later."

He tries to help her up, but she doesn't need it. She brushes her hand through his hair before she walks away, baby on her hip. Rick watches them go, waiting until they're out of earshot to pull his phone out. He scrolls through the contacts, finds what he wants, and presses _Call_.

"Mr. Ortega. Rick Castle. You said to call if I needed something?"

X-X-X-X-X

Natalia's given name is Natalie Walker. She's about Kate's age, and she's responsible for teaching the children how to speak English. Everyone who works at La Casa speaks both English and Spanish, but Natalie is the only American on staff.

Over the past week Kate and Natalie have hit it off, so when Kate appears in the doorway of Natalie's classroom with Hartley in her arms, Natalie's lips smooth into a wide grin.

"Class, please say hello to Miss Kate," Natalie announces, gesturing toward the back for the room. Natalie only speaks in English during her class. She says the more English the children hear, the more they'll understand.

Seventeen children turn toward Kate and say "Hello Miss Kate" in unison, and Kate smiles. "Hey guys."

Natalie waves Kate in and then motions to a small playpen in the corner of the room. "Lupe dropped it off for the little man," she says in a low voice. "That way your hands are free."

Hartley babbles, his hand against Kate's face. She smiles again. "You guys are so good to us."

She spends the next forty-five minutes helping Natalie teach the children verb tenses while Hartley investigates the toys in the playpen. Natalie finishes the lesson by passing out a worksheet and then sinks into a chair at front of the room. Kate pulls Hartley from the playpen and joins her. Natalie holds out her hands, and Kate hands Hartley over.

"He really is the cutest thing I've ever seen," Natalie says before blowing a raspberry on his neck. He squeals and Kate smiles automatically.

"He's pretty adorable," she agrees, watching Hartley (with some help from Natalie) clamber into a standing position.

Natalie looks up. "You and Rick going to have kids?"

Kate stares at her, caught off guard. "What?"

"Oh come on. Don't act like you haven't thought about it."

Kate shrugs. "I haven't."

"Why not?"

"I'm a cop. I have a dangerous job. It's not out of the question that my kids would end up just like Hartley. Motherless."

Natalie lifts an eyebrow. "You're telling me that you haven't thought, not even once, about taking him back to the States with you?"

Kate feels a flush race over her face. "No."

"Liar."

Kate laughs. "Come on, Natalie. I'm not like you. I'm not impulsive."

"Well maybe you should be. Everything turned out well for me."

Kate mulls it over for a little bit, watching as Hartley wraps his drool-soaked little fingers around a strand of Natalie's blonde hair.

"Besides," Kate adds belatedly, "Rick's raised a kid already."

"And you don't think he'd want to do it again with you?"

"We've never talked about it."

"Really?"

Kate can't decide if Natalie's obvious surprise is an overreaction or if the fact that she and Rick actually haven't talked about it means there's something wrong with their relationship. Hartley starts to fuss and Kate plucks him out of Natalie's arms. She kisses the top of his head then bounces him on her knee. He quiets down.

"Really," she finally says. "I didn't think I wanted it anymore."

Natalie smiles softly. "Until about three days ago, right?"

Kate doesn't say anything, but she doesn't have to. Her silence says it all.


	8. Chapter 8

_I'm leaving the one I want to take_

Lupe is old enough to be Kate's mother, and that's pretty much how she acts. After the kids get put to bed, the staff gathers in the cafeteria to swap stories. It's Rick's favorite part of the day, and he knows it's usually Kate's too. Tonight, however, Lupe is pulling the mom routine, and Rick watches her exchange with Kate with an amused smile.

"When was the last time you got alone time with your novio?" Lupe demands, pointing a long, wrinkled finger at Rick.

Kate sighs. "Lupe, we've only been here for a _week_."

"And you spend all that time taking care of the children. Now you have this little one," she nods at Hartley, who is sleeping soundly in Kate's arms, "and you get no time together."

"Lupe's got a point," Natalie pipes up from the other side of the round table. She and Esteban are the only other staff members still in the cafeteria. "You've got to get in all the novio time you can before you go back to work."

Natalie winks and Kate glares. Esteban, whose arm is draped around the back of his wife's chair, guffaws. "Senorita got the look," he says. "We should go."

He rises from his chair and Natalie follows. "You know a little quality time with the novio will wipe that look right off your face," she says.

Rick snorts into his bottle of Coca-Cola. Kate turns her glare on him. "Not helping, _querido_."

He holds out his hands. "I am a completely objective third party with absolutely no opinion in the matter."

"You have opinion," Lupe says, jabbing her finger at him threateningly. "You tell Senorita you want time. I watch the baby."

Everyone focuses their attention on Rick, including a still-glaring Kate. "I want time?" he says timidly, phrasing it like a question.

"Hah!" Lupe hoots triumphantly. She holds her hands out. "You give baby to me. I watch him for the night."

Now everyone is staring at Kate, and she must feel the pressure because she relinquishes Hartley to the older woman. Hartley shifts but doesn't wake up, and Lupe smiles. "I will take good care of tu corazón, mi amor."

"What's a corazón?" Rick hisses in Kate's ear.

She glares at him. "It means heart."

"She'll take good care of your heart?"

"Hartley is Kate's heart," Natalie explains. "It's like a term of endearment."

"Go, go," Lupe urges, though her voice is hushed so she doesn't wake the baby. "It is a fiesta moon outside, go be young."

Rick gets to his feet and offers Kate his arm. "Mi corazón?"

Lupe sighs dramatically as if he's just done something very romantic, and Kate rolls her eyes. "You're incorrigible."

"It's part of my charm. Buenos noches, mis amigos. Senorita Kate and I are off to heed Lupe's sage advice."

Everyone says their goodbyes, and Natalie sends another wink their way. Kate pretends she doesn't see, but Rick winks back.

When they get outside in the darkness Rick looks up at the moon. "Holy crap," he says, stopping dead in his tracks. "Lupe wasn't kidding. Look at the _moon_."

Kate looks up. "Oh," she says. "It's beautiful."

Rick looks at her, but before he can say anything she clamps her hand over his mouth. "Don't," she tells him. She lowers her hand. "I've had enough cheese for the night."

He grins. "You know, most women find me incredibly charming."

"Good for them."

He laughs at her smirk and then, because he can't help himself, he pulls her to him and plants one on her. He's not surprised when she doesn't resist. She wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him back, her hands threading through the hair at the nape of his neck. Rick lowers his hands from her waist, sliding them down over her ass, and she breaks their kiss and puts her mouth by his ear.

"And what are you going to tell the children if they happen to look out their windows and see your hands on my ass?"  
>"I suppose I'll have to tell them the truth. That when a man and a woman love each other very much—"<p>

She yanks his hands off of her ass, but she laughs while she does it. "How about we go back to the bungalow instead?" She arches an eyebrow suggestively.

He nods. "Um, yes please."

She laughs again. He likes to think that she's never laughed as much as she has in the time that they've been together. She doesn't let him spoil her the way she deserves to be spoiled, which means no Cartier jewelry just because ("Rick, when would I even wear that?"), no weekend getaways to the Bahamas ("You want to rent a _jet_? Do you know how much that _costs_?"), and no tricked out squad car that would actually do justice to her matchless detective skills ("Right, because I don't get made fun of enough already because of Nikki Heat.") He's found other ways to show her he loves her, like bringing her coffee and feeding her when she forgets to feed herself and, of course, their adventures in the bedroom. But nothing quite compares to hearing her laugh and knowing he's the reason. When she does laugh he always stops and stares because she's just so _stunning_. He's staring now.

She runs her hand down his arm and laces her fingers with his, pulling him toward the path that leads to the bungalow. "Come on," she murmurs, squeezing his hand. "I need some novio time."

"I don't know what a novio is," he confesses.

"It means boyfriend."

"Oh. I thought it meant breathtaking hunk of delicious man."

She grins. "Yeah, that too."

They walk in silence for a while. Rick traces his thumb over the back of her hand and tries to figure out how to broach the subject of Hartley. He's done his research and now he wants to surprise her. If she wants, Hartley can be theirs. Not right away, but he can make it happen. Money is no object, and he knows the right people. He wants to tell her before they get behind closed doors and she does something that makes him lose the ability to form coherent thoughts and sentences. When they're heading up the front porch steps of the bungalow, out of earshot of all the other buildings, he decides to dive right in.

"Hey," he says, bumping his shoulder into hers. She looks up at him. "Can we talk about something?"

Suspicion flashes in her eyes. "Sure," she says after a pause, stopping outside the front door. "What's up?"

"I know you're not looking forward to saying goodbye to Hartley." She turns her gaze to her feet and doesn't say anything even though he pauses to give her the chance. "The thought of leaving him makes you unhappy. And I don't want you to be unhappy. So…I made some calls."

She looks up at him quickly. Her hand in his isn't as relaxed as it was a moment ago.

"I can fix it so you don't have to say goodbye," he says quietly. "He can be ours, Kate. If you want."

She stares at him, her mouth open slightly. Rick's not sure what he was expecting, but it wasn't the dumbfounded expression she's currently wearing.

"Not right away," he says quickly, wanting to fill the silence. "We certainly can't take him back with us when we leave the day after tomorrow. It could take months, years even to get all the paperwork processed. But I know people. I could pull strings, see if I can hurry it along. Usually money is the biggest problem for people, but I've got that covered."

She's still staring. It's unnerving him, making him second guess what he was so sure would make her happy. She's not jumping into his arms, she's not whispering how much she loves him and how happy she is—she's not doing _anything_.

Finally, she speaks. "You want to…_adopt_ Hartley?"

"Kate, I see the way you look at him. Everybody does. And I don't want you going back to New York with a broken heart. Not when I can fix it for you."

Something shivers across her face, and though he can't define it, he can say with a fair amount of certainty that it's not good.

"Fix it for me," she repeats. "You want to adopt a child to make me happy."

He's confused for a second, because she phrases it like a statement instead of a question, and it's not a good statement. It's an interrogation room statement, one of the ones that she uses to get suspects to admit to a crime without realizing they're screwing themselves.

"Yes," he answers slowly. He doesn't know what else to say, because that's the truth.

She nods slowly and bites her lip. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"What do you want?"

He lifts a shoulder. "I want you to be happy."

She pulls her hand out of his. He frowns in confusion and she shakes her head. "That's not good enough."

Her tone is like a punch to the gut because it's low and pained. He doesn't understand why she sounds like that because there's no way he just hurt her. He just gave her _good_ news. Why does she look so hurt?

"I don't understand."

"Do you even want kids, Rick? I know you have Alexis, but…do you actually _want_ more?"

He opens his mouth to answer, but nothing will come out. His brain is running a million miles a minute but nothing will come out. He doesn't know. Does he?

"Did you ever think about it?" she tries again.

"Sometimes."

"What did you think?"

"I thought…" he trails off. She lifts her eyebrows, waiting. "I think you're younger than me. Not by a lot, but it's enough. You've never been married, you don't have kids of your own. Sometimes I wonder…"

He trails off again because he feels ridiculous and insecure. They're supposed to be past this part of their relationship, the part where he drives himself crazy trying to read her mind and say the right thing so she won't walk away.

"Wonder what?" she presses.

"Sometimes I wonder if you wish you were with someone else. Someone who could experience all those things with you for the first time. I've already done them all, and so I don't have an internal ticking clock. They're not a part of my list of things to experience before I die because I've already experienced them. But you haven't, and I'd do it again for you. I'll do it for you."

A little rush of breath escapes her lips, a sort of surprised sigh. She puts a hand to her head and turns away from him, shaking her head. "Oh my God."

"Kate."

She doesn't turn around right away, but when she does the look on her face hits him right between the eyes.

"Rick," she says, as if he should know what she's thinking.

"I just want to make you happy," he says abruptly, his arms held out wide. He's getting frustrated. "Is that so wrong?"

"No. It's not wrong at all. But it's not right either."

He's trying to understand, really he is, but he's failing. She must see it written all over his face because she continues.

"We're talking about adopting a child, Rick. _Raising_ a child. We're not picking a china pattern or trying to decide what color to paint the bathroom. This is supposed to be something we decide together. We both have to want this. I can't want it enough for the both of us."

"I do want this."

"No, I don't think you do. You want it because you think I do. Because you…" she pauses and shakes her head in disbelief. "Because you're afraid I'll want to be with someone else if you don't."

When she puts it that way he sounds like an insecure, selfish prick, and that traps him between wanting to drop to his knees and apologize and bristle defensively. Somewhere in the recesses of his rational brain he can see her point, understand how she got that from the words he said. Maybe that's what he meant. Maybe she's right. He doesn't know anymore.

"You don't want to adopt him?" he asks.

"I didn't say that."

"Then what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that Hartley would be better off here, with Juan Carlos and Lupe, than he would be with us if we don't both want him."

Those are the words that kill the last bit of their night and they both know it. Rick stares at her and she stares back. The fiesta moon hanging over their heads lights her face and his rational brain whispers to him again: _She's beautiful, tell her you love her, tell her you want Hartley_. But he doesn't say anything. He breaks their gaze to stare at his shoes.

"I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if we have a child together because you were trying to appease me so I wouldn't run off with some other guy," she murmurs. He looks up and realizes her eyes are wet, but he's frozen in place. "I can't live like that," she continues. "And I won't."

And then she's gone. She brushes past him and back down the stairs and he watches her go, standing like an idiot on the porch of the bungalow where they're supposed to be making love.


	9. Chapter 9

_I wish I could offer you guys something other than angst after the episode this week, but my muse is stubborn. Thanks, as always, to Cartographical and her arsenal of brilliant advice. _

* * *

><p><em>It's always have but never hold<em>

Kate doesn't pay attention to where she's going. When she finally stops, she's standing at the front entrance of the complex. The wrought iron gate is tall and imposing, and she wraps her fingers around the bars and stares out at the street. She thinks about Hartley growing up on the Cuernavaca streets, joining a gang and walking around with a handgun tucked in his waistband; Hartley growing up in the orphanage, playing soccer with Manuel and sitting in one of the desks in Natalie's English class; growing up in New York, sitting between her and Rick at the Angelika with a tub of popcorn in his lap or holding her hand while they wait in line at Macy's to see Santa. She imagines a tired look on Rick's face, the regret tingeing his eyes when the novelty wears off and he realizes he adopted a child just to please her.

She isn't going to cry. But she closes her eyes anyway, just in case.

When she gets back to the bungalow she expects Rick to be waiting for her, wanting to talk. He's a firm believer in never going to bed angry, and they've been together long enough that Kate has seen firsthand the benefits of that belief. She holds a grudge better than anyone; he learned that after he dug into her mother's case and she didn't speak to him for an entire summer. Once they were together, it took her a while to see that holding a grudge after they fought hurt them both more than she wanted it to. Moving on before they fall asleep is how they do things now. She likes it that way.

But he isn't there. She wonders if he needed to get some air like she did. He shouldn't be gone much longer. She sits on the couch and flips through a book. When she gets bored with the book she plays solitaire on his laptop. By the time two hours has passed, he still isn't back. She feels ridiculous that she doesn't want to go bed without him, but it doesn't change the fact that she won't. She cleans the bungalow next, but by the time it's spotless there's still no sign of him.

She paces the bedroom for what seems like forever. Finally, her feet start to hurt and she collapses onto the bed. Her long nights with Hartley are catching up to her. Rick's side of the bed seems to stretch out for miles, and even though it's summer in Mexico, she's suddenly cold. She rolls over onto her side, her back to his side of the bed. She falls asleep, exhausted and confused, before she can think of something else to pass the time.

X-X-X-X-X

Rick wanders around La Casa for a while before he finally lies down in the middle of the soccer field and stares at the stars. They're a lot clearer down here than they are up in New York. The moon is hanging off to the right of his vision, and he stares at it, too.

He isn't sure how long he's been staring at the sky and thinking about Kate until he glances at his watch. Holy _shit_. How could he lose track of time so badly? He nearly sprints back to the bungalow, knowing that Kate is waiting for him. They never go to bed angry. Maybe a few times in the beginning of their relationship they did, back before they were living together and before he'd convinced her that she was much too important to him for their fights to last overnight.

When he enters the bungalow he calls her name, but there's no answer. The bedroom light is still on, but when he moves into the room he sees Kate fast asleep, her back to his side of the bed. She's still dressed.

He stares at her for a long time, watching the steady rise and fall of her shoulders as she breathes. Finally, he moves across the room, feeling as though she's powerfully magnetic. He feels it even when he isn't with her; a deep and steady burn in the center of his chest that aches until he sees her, hears her voice, touches her. The warmth of having everything she is twined around his heart is a steadying force, a comfort he didn't know he was searching for until he fell in love with her.

Right now, the pleasant warmth is more like a searing, suffocating flame. When the bed dips beneath him she stirs, just like he knew she would. He crawls toward her, slides an arm around her and holds their bodies together, her back against his chest. It isn't until he buries his face in the back of her neck that he feels like he can finally breathe.

She brushes her fingertips over his arm but says nothing. He holds her closer and she continues stroking his arm, a gentle and familiar rhythm. He falls asleep wondering how he ever slept without her in his arms.

X-X-X-X-X

When he wakes the next morning, she's still in his arms. He moves his hands over her, just to make sure he's not dreaming. She shifts beneath his touch, rolls over to face him and nuzzles into his collarbone. He continues trailing his hands over her. He watches her slide into wakefulness. She kisses his throat. He traces his hand over her hip, down her thigh a little. She darts her tongue out through her lips, licking his skin.

The world narrows. It shrinks to the size of a double bed with hand-woven, bright blankets, their bodies beneath the colors. Then it shrinks again so it consists of nothing but her; her lips and her skin and her hair falling in waves, moving when she does. He breathes her name over and over again, and he really wouldn't mind if it was the only word he was capable of saying for the rest of his life.

They drift back to themselves slowly. She's draped over him, their bodies stuck together by a thin film of sweat. He runs his hand through her hair repeatedly. There are so many things he wants to say to her, but he knows that he needs to listen first and then talk. He also knows she's not going to talk unless he prompts her. He revels in how relaxed she is against him, how steady her breathing is. He blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.

"Hartley."

She goes rigid instantly. He wants to kick himself for such a bad opening line. He smoothes his hands down her back, trying to ease the tension out of her muscles, but it doesn't work. He listens to her thoughtful breathing for what seems like forever.

She sits up, runs a hand through her hair. "You're right. We should go get him from Lupe."

She starts to move off of him, but he catches her arm. "That's not what I meant." She looks at him quickly, her eyes flashing. He brushes his fingertips over her cheek. "I know you, Kate. I know how much you care about him. How much you want him."

She covers his hand with hers, pulls it away from her face. "If you know how much I care about him, then you know why we can't have him."

She moves away from him and off of the bed. She pulls one of the brightly colored blankets with her, wrapping it around her body as she starts for the bathroom. Rick props himself up on his elbows and calls out after her.

"I thought we were past this."

She turns slowly. "Past what?"

"Past you not letting me take care of you."

Her eyes flash again, her eyebrows gathering in a confused glare. "What are you talking about?"

"I can make this better for you. I can give you what you want. Why won't you let me do that for you?"

She stares at him for a while, then shakes her head and turns away from him. "God damn it, Rick."

"Kate—"

He's cut off by the slamming of the bathroom door. He listens as she turns on the shower. For a brief moment he considers getting in the shower with her, but he knows her well enough to know when angry sex is a good idea and when it's not. Right now, it's not.

Ten minutes after she slams the door, she opens it again. This time she has a towel wrapped around her instead of a blanket. She doesn't look at him. He watches her get dressed. When she's finished, he gets out of bed and pads over to her. He brushes his fingers over her arm briefly. She freezes, staring down at her feet.

"It's my job to make you happy."

"No. It's not." She turns to look at him. "It's your job to be in a _relationship_ with me. We're supposed to do this together."

"Do what?"

"Anything. Everything." He frowns, confused. She shakes her head. "We can't go through life like this, Rick. You can't buy me things, or give me what I want so that I'll stick around. I'm not a goddess that you have to sacrifice to so that I don't devour you." This time he's the one who can't look at her. She keeps talking anyway. "I'm not going anywhere, whether we have Hartley or not."

He stares at the floor. She puts her hand under his chin and moves his head up to look at her. "I'm not the one with the trust issues right now," she whispers. She drops her hand. "But I'm tired of being your pet instead of your girlfriend."

She waits for him to say something. He doesn't.

She walks away again.

X-X-X-X-X

When Kate gets to the cafeteria, most of the kids are done with breakfast. Some of them squeal when she walks in and clamor from the tables to hug her. She grins. When she sits down next to Natalie at the staff table in the corner of the room, Lupe bustles over and says that Hartley is with Esteban. Kate shoots Natalie a look, and Natalie rolls her eyes. Kate is stopped from making a joke about little Estebans when Ana sets a plate of food in front of her.

"Eat," the older woman orders. "You are so delgada, I worry…"

Kate smiles and reaches for a fork as Ana disappears back into the kitchen. Natalie nudges her.

"Hey."

"Hey," Kate answers. She reaches for the pitcher of coffee and tries to pour some into her mug, but she only gets a few drops. She sighs heavily. Natalie sets another mug in front of her.

"Drink mine."

"No, I—"

"Drink it."

"Yeah, okay." Kate takes a long swallow and Natalie laughs.

"Coffee's serious business, huh?"

"Yes. Yes it is."

Natalie nods. Kate eats in silence for a while, but it doesn't last long.

"You want to talk about it?"

Kate glances at the woman next to her. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Where's your novio?"

Kate sighs. "Don't know. Don't care."

"Right. Nothing to talk about."

Kate finally looks at Natalie. "You should meet my best friend back in New York. You guys would get along really, really well."

Natalie smiles. "Drink your coffee, Kate. You're much sweeter when you've had caffeine."

Kate's drinking her coffee when the door to the cafeteria opens and Rick appears. He scans the room before his gaze settles on her. She holds his eyes over the rim of her coffee mug for a few seconds and then looks away.

"I think I'll go tell Ana how good breakfast was this morning."

Natalie nods. "Yeah. You do that."

X-X-X-X-X

Rick contemplates following Kate into the kitchen, but he gets dog piled by fifteen kids when he starts in that direction. While he's peeling them off of his legs Natalie catches his eye, and so he makes his way toward her instead once he's free.

"Señor," she says with a mischievous glint in her eye, tipping her head in greeting when he stops next to her.

He glances at the kitchen door then meets Natalie's eyes. "Is Kate okay?"

Natalie shrugs. "You tell me. Last night you two rode off into the sunset and then this morning she drinks all my coffee with a funny look on her face."

Rick sighs and plops into the chair next to her. He puts his elbows on the table and his head in his hands. He doesn't know what to do. When they fight in New York he brings her coffee, they talk in increments while they hunt murderers, and at the end of the day they let it go and make love. But down here…when they're fighting over _this_…

"Let me ask you something," he says to Natalie, finally looking at her. "Did she say anything to you about Hartley? Anything at all about," he glances around and then lowers his voice, "adopting him?"

She doesn't even look surprised. "Did she say anything? No. But she really didn't have to."

"What does that mean?"

"Have you seen the way she _looks_ at him? You see her looking at any of these other kids like that?" Rick glances around the room at the other children. She doesn't.

"And Hartley?" Natalie continues. "She named him? Doesn't that say it all?"

He sits back in his chair and runs a hand through his hair. "I named him."

Natalie stares at him. "Seriously? She can't take her eyes off that baby for more than thirty seconds and you thought it would be a good idea to _name_ him?"

"I told her I could get him for her."

"Did you use those words? Those words exactly?"

Rick nods. Natalie shakes her head with an incredulous look that tells him exactly what she's thinking. Rick sighs. "I'm an idiot."

"All signs point to yes."

He smiles. "You should meet her best friend back home. You two would really hit it off."

"So I've heard."

There's a long pause and then Natalie speaks again.

"So, Ricardo. You have a brilliant plan to win her back? Grand gesture up your sleeve?"

He shakes his head as he gets to his feet. "Kate doesn't do grand gestures."

"What's she do then?"

He shrugs. "The truth."

X-X-X-X-X

They avoid each other for the rest of the morning. Late in the afternoon, she and Hartley watch from a table in the indoor gym as the kids and the staff set up for the fiesta. She tries to pretend she doesn't see Rick watching her. She knows he's avoiding her because she walked away from him in the cafeteria, but she's not sure why she's avoiding him. Maybe because she doesn't know what to say. Did it cross her mind that Hartley could be theirs? Does she want him to be theirs? Yes. But only if _he_ wants it too, only if they're _ready_. If he worries that she wants someone else, if he's willing to give her what she wants instead of what they need, then they're not ready.

She doesn't want to say goodbye to Hartley. But she will if it's what she has to do. Hartley deserves a father who wants to raise him, not a father who wants to buy him to please his girlfriend.

"Senorita?"

Kate looks up to see Juan Carlos standing next to her. Hartley yanks on her hair. "_Ow_, Hart." She hands him his football from the bag next to her feet and then smiles at Juan Carlos. "Hey, Juan Carlos. What's up?"

"I thought you would want these. I asked Esteban to print them."

He holds out a pile of photos, and Kate takes them with a confused frown. "From when you went downtown with Señor," Juan Carlos explains. "And some that Natalia took during the week."

Kate thanks him and he walks away. She flips through the stack and can't stop herself from kissing the top of Hartley's head as he sucks on the end of his football. They're good pictures. She stops dead when she gets to one of her and Rick standing in front of a fountain in downtown Cuernavaca. She remembers it being taken. Juan Carlos was counting down, and Rick said something in her ear. She laughed, he pulled her closer, and Juan Carlos took a picture of her in the circle of Rick's arm, her head tilted back in laughter and his bent forward with a conspiratorial grin.

It takes every ounce of willpower she has not to look up from the picture and scan the room to see if he's still watching her. She's losing the fight when one of Hartley's drool-soaked hands slaps down on the corner of the picture. He babbles and tries to grab the picture out of her hand. She leans forward, holding the pictures farther away from him and murmuring in his ear. He goes back to sucking on his football.

She flips to the next one and finds a candid shot, one that Natalie must've taken. It's from right after Paula left. Rick is sitting at the picnic table, bouncing Hartley on his knee. She's standing in front of him, bent down with her hands on either side of his face and her lips on his.

This time she can't stop herself, and she scans the room for Rick. When she finds him, his eyes are fixed on her. They stare at each other for a while, but Kate looks away when Hartley latches on to the photo and tugs. She pulls it from his grasp quickly before he can ruin it with drool. He shrieks in irritation. She takes the football out of his hands, makes a show of tossing it in the air in front of his face for a few seconds. He follows the ball with his eyes and then reaches for it, sufficiently distracted from the photos. When she looks up again, Rick is making his way across the room toward her.

"Hey," he says when he stops in front of her. The table separates them.

She swallows. "Hey."

There's an awkward silence, and then his gaze flickers down to the pictures and then back up. "What're you looking at?"

"Juan Carlos printed pictures," she answers. She slides them across the table toward him. He picks them up, and the first one in the stack is the one of her kissing him while he holds Hartley. He looks up at her, their gazes hold, and then he looks back down.

She waits while he flips through the entire stack. Hartley seems to be waiting too, his football in his mouth and his eyes glued on Rick. One of his little hands drops from his football and wraps around Kate's index finger. She kisses the top of his head again.

When Rick is done, he sets them back on the table. "Those are good."

She nods. "Yeah."

"We can frame them when we get back if you want."

"Sure."

They avoid eye contact. He shifts from one foot to the other. Hartley breaks the silence with a squeal and then flings his football at Rick. He misses by a foot. Kate catches a glimpse of tiny trails of drool spiraling through the air. Rick bends over and retrieves the football, then holds it out to Hartley. He takes it and shoves it back in his mouth before turning and snuggling into Kate's chest.

Rick slides his hands in his pockets but says nothing. An eternity passes. Kate isn't sure if she's waiting for him to say something or if he's waiting for her. Neither of them apparently knows what to say. Finally, with a lump in her throat that she forcefully swallows around, she looks at her watch.

"I'm supposed to meet Natalie. She's letting me borrow a pair of shoes to go with Lupe's dress."

Rick nods. "Tell her I said hello."

Their eyes finally meet and hold. She almost says something. Almost tells him that she doesn't want anyone else, she doesn't want some cookie cutter guy with a picket fence and a golden retriever and 2.5 kids. Their stare is broken by a sigh from Hartley. He's falling asleep in her arms. Kate gets to her feet. Rick starts forward to help her, but by now she's so used to maneuvering around Hartley that she doesn't need it. He avoids her eyes.

"I'll see you tonight?" he says. The lift in his voice signals hesitancy she isn't accustomed to from him.

The lump in her throat is painful. She nods. "Yeah."

There's nothing else to say so she walks away, adjusting Hartley so that his head is resting on her shoulder. She feels the distance between her and Rick growing distinct and increasingly impassable. She doesn't get time to deal with the sudden tidal wave of panic because Lupe appears next to her.

"I have the dress ready for you, Senorita."

Kate forces a smile. "Gracias, Lupe."

"Señor will not be able to take his eyes off of you."

The hurt from the words isn't unexpected, but it knocks the breath out of Kate anyway. She turns her head, brushing her cheek against Hartley's forehead. He fists a tiny hand into her shirt. Lupe is silent for a moment, matching her stride with Kate's until she speaks again.

"You and Señor are fighting?"

Kate licks her lips. "What makes you say that?"

"You did not talk to each other all day. And you are not…" she trails off and makes a motion with her hands, moving them back and forth in unison. "Usually you move juntos. When you move, he moves. Like the wind in the trees."

Kate doesn't say anything at first. She stares at the ground in front of her, willing herself to get her act together. "It's nothing," she finally says, tightening her arms around Hartley. "Just a little misunderstanding."

Lupe puts a hand on Kate's arm. "Cuidarte, mi amor. Sometimes little things become big."


	10. Chapter 10

_2 chapters left after this. I promise I'll get them up sooner rather than later. _

* * *

><p>{<em>Will you, won't you, be the one I'll always know<em>}

Rick paces the fiesta like a caged animal while he waits for Kate. The children have been given permission to stay up late, and they're intermixed with the staff throughout the room. Hartley is with Lupe again. Rick tries, really he does, to be social and debonair. He dances with Elena, a six-year-old who stands on his feet while they dance and giggles every time he spins her. He drinks punch with Juan Carlos and Esteban. He talks to Gustavo about going to school in the States. But he's only half there. He wants to see Kate.

He's lurking by the entrance of the gym waiting for her when the double doors open. He holds his breath, but it's only Natalie. She smirks at him.

"Waiting for someone special, Ricardo?"

Rick lets Esteban greet his wife before he asks, "Where is she?"

Natalie smirks again and nods over his shoulder. "Right there, Casanova."

Rick whirls around, and sure enough there she is. And she looks…his writer brain can't think of a word. It's that kind of look.

"Hi," she says when he doesn't say anything.

The dress is beautiful. It's a deep red, and it wraps around her neck, fits tightly down to her hips, and then flares out and stops at her knees. The shoes catch his eye, a pair of very high, very red heels, and he has the sudden urge to loosen his tie.

"Rick," she says.

He snaps his gaze up to her face and sees her smirking faintly. "Hi," he finally says.

"Wipe the drool off your chin," Natalie hisses in his ear. He's so busy staring he actually wipes at his chin, which makes Natalie laugh loudly. He feels her pat him on the shoulder.

"We'll see you two later."

Rick glances over his shoulder to see them walking away and then he turns back to Kate.

"You look amazing," he says.

She smiles. "Thank you."

And then it's back. The silence that's been between them all day. And it stays. An hour passes and they barely speak. They stand next to each other, he gets her some punch, they even dance once. But they don't talk. They talk to Natalie and Esteban, to Juan Carlos and the kids, but not to each other.

He thinks it's because they waited so long. Because they're both overanalyzing what the other is thinking instead of just coming out and asking. They haven't done this dance in a long time, but now there's so much more at stake, _they're_ at stake, and they're both paralyzed.

"I'm going to run to the bathroom," she says abruptly, turning toward him.

He nods. "Yeah. Okay."

He watches her disappear out of the double doors. He stands frozen for about half a second before he takes off after her.

X-X-X-X-X

Kate is halfway down the hall on her way back to the gym when a hand wraps around her forearm. She whips her head around, suddenly on guard, but relaxes when she sees Rick. He yanks her out of the hall and into a classroom, and suddenly she's annoyed.

"Rick, what the hell—"

He doesn't answer. He slams the door shut and then shoves her up against it. She's irritated that he's whipping her around like a rag doll. She glares up at him as he plants his hands on the door on either side of her head.

"You got something to say, Castle?"

He reaches down and locks the door in response. The click of the lock echoes through the dark room, and Kate glances down at his hand and then back up into his eyes. He leans forward quickly, captures her lips in a rough kiss, and then pulls away again.

They stare at each other for a moment, the silence between them welling up into a deafening crescendo. And then it's all over. They move at the same time. Their lips collide and she holds his face in her hands while he tugs her backward by gripping her hips. Either he lifts her into his arms or she wraps her legs around him, but suddenly she's sitting on top of one of the lab tables and he's standing between her legs. She pulls her panties down over her high heels and then slides them into his pants pocket.

It's hot and quick and rough and when she comes back to herself she's lying flat on her back on the lab table with him bent over her. Her nails are dug into his back through his shirt. He's panting harshly into her neck and she's panting too. She's going to be sore tomorrow.

As their breathing slows she relaxes her grip on him and trails her hands over his back, up into his hair at the nape of his neck. He kisses her neck, but doesn't move. The silence, shattered for a while by moans and sharp intakes of breath, is back with a vengeance. She can't take it anymore.

"Is this what we do now?" she asks him in a whisper. "We can't talk to each other, but this is easier than ever?"

He pulls away, puts his hands on either side of her head and holds himself above her. His gaze trails over her face, finally comes to rest on her eyes.

"I love you."

She bites the inside of her lip and then shakes her head. "That's not talking, Rick."

She sits up, forcing him to move backward. She moves him farther by a push to the chest. She puts her feet on the ground and then pauses for a second to take stock of herself, stubbornly avoiding his eyes. They're both silent as they clean themselves up, and he doesn't stop her when she darts her hand into his pocket for her underwear. After she pulls them back on, she smoothes her dress back to where it should be and heads for the door. He catches her wrist.

"You don't get to walk away this time, Kate."

She looks at him. "Give me a reason to stay."

"Will you give me a chance?"

She pulls her wrist from his grasp. "I'm listening."

He breaks eye contact and runs his hand through his hair with a sigh. "I don't know what…I've been trying to…"

He clenches his jaw and shakes his head. Kate stares at him. She hasn't seen him like this in a long time. Part of her is frightened by it, the same part that Paula got to the other day. She moves toward him, stopping a few inches away. She waits until he looks at her.

"It's just me," she whispers.

"You scare me."

"I scare you? Or the idea of losing me scares you?"

He puts the tips of his fingers on her bare shoulder, trails down her arm and clutches her hand. He stares at her for a minute, gripping her hand, and then turns away and walks to the other side of the room to the wall with windows. She can see him watching her in the reflection of one of the windows, as if watching her reflection scares him less than looking right at her.

"I think I figured it out," he starts. "It took me a while to get it, but I think I've got it now."

He waits. She nods. "I'm listening."

He lets out a deep breath. "When I signed the divorce papers for Gina I realized I wanted to be done. Not just with marriage, but with any type of long term, committed relationship. They hadn't worked for me, and I didn't see how that would change. Until I met you."

There's a brief pause, but Kate doesn't say anything. She knows he's not done.

"When Alexis turned sixteen, I realized that if I was done with committed relationships, then I wasn't going to have any more kids. There wasn't anyone I wanted to share it with, and I had no desire to do it alone."

He finally turns around and looks at her.

"And then I fell for you."

He's staring at her so intensely that she has to look away. "I'm sensing a pattern," she murmurs lamely, staring at her shoes. He waits until she looks at him again before he continues.

"You're new, Kate."

She frowns in confusion. He smiles.

"I've spent the past twenty-four hours trying to figure out how to explain to you that I've done all this before. The commitment and the kids and marriage. I've done it and you haven't, so maybe you want it more than I do. Maybe you need it and I don't. But I was wrong."

Now he moves toward her, closing the distance, and Kate feels her heart jolt and then start thumping harder.

"Everything is new to me. The way I feel, the way you are, the way _we_ are. It's all as new for me as it is for you. And I'm not worried that you want to do it all with someone else who's experiencing it for the first time, because _I'm_ experiencing it for the first time. I haven't done it with you. And you're all that matters."

His last sentence hovers between them for a long moment. She can feel the corners of her mouth turn up slightly.

"Always a writer, aren't you?" she all but whispers.

His lips break into a wide smile, and with it some of the tension evaporates. "It's a tough habit to break."

She nods. She reaches for him, pulling him toward her by his tie, and when he wraps an arm around her waist it feels like the most natural thing in the world. Maybe because it is.

"Ask me again, Kate," he murmurs, pushing her hair away from her face.

She looks up at him. "Ask you what?"

"Ask me what I want."

"What do you want, Rick?"

He smiles. "I want to dance with you at the fiesta down the hall. I want to pick up Hartley from Lupe and take him back to the bungalow and tuck him in. I want to take you to bed. And tomorrow morning I want us to say goodbye, and get on a plane, and fly back to New York."

Her heart stops. Maybe he can hear it, or feel it, or maybe he just knows, because he holds her closer.

"And when we get back," he continues, his voice just above a whisper, "I want to look at us, and our home, and our life, and decide _together_ if Hartley fits."


	11. Chapter 11

{_There now, steady love_}

Rick can't keep his hands off of Kate. They're laying the wrong way on the bed in the bungalow, their pillows at their feet and their heads at the end of the bed. Kate is on her stomach, stretched languidly in front of him like a model posing for a painting. Rick is propped up on his elbow next to her, trailing his hand from her bare shoulder all the way down the curve of her back to her hip and then back up. Her skin is soft and warm. He can't remember what it's like not to be able to touch her anytime he wants.

"It's sweet," she says. She's explaining how she feels to him in one of those rare, completely vulnerable moments when words come easily for her and she says her feelings at the same time she understands them herself. "And I love you for it. I do. But…I can't do it that way."

She turns her head to look at him, resting her temple on top of her folded hands.

"Why not?" he asks. He wants her to talk more, wants to hear her voice.

"Because it's not fair to you. Or me, I guess. I know you like to take care of me, but this isn't supposed to be like that."

He flattens his hand, moves it across the expanse of her back. "But I explained it to you. Back in the classroom."

"Yes."

"And you know I wouldn't just do it for you now."

"Do I?"

He stops watching his hand on her skin and meets her eyes. "If we decide to do this it'll be because we both want it. Not because I want what you want. I promise you that."

She hesitates, opening her mouth to say something but apparently thinking better of it. She presses her lips together.

"Say it," he tells her.

She chews her lip for a while before she does. "How can I know that?"

He moves his hand up to her face, runs his index finger along her lips. "The same way you know that I love you."

She nips at his finger, holding it between her teeth for a second before letting it go. "I love you too."

X-X-X-X-X

She doesn't cry when she says goodbye to Hartley. She almost does, _almost_, but she manages to keep it together. She doesn't say much to Rick as they wait at the airport, but he doesn't seem to mind. She thinks she catches a hint of a smile on his lips before she falls asleep on his shoulder after the plane takes off, but they didn't get much sleep the night before and her eyelids feel heavy so she doesn't question him.

They land in New York a little after one in the afternoon. And then suddenly, after a cab ride she doesn't remember, she's standing in the loft with her suitcase at her feet. She's frozen for a second, staring at her surroundings like they're foreign. Everything is familiar, but somehow it's changed. She imagines a playpen next to the leather couch, a high chair at the table, matchbox cars littering the floor.

"Welcome home," Rick says in her ear, his arms wrapping around her from behind.

She all but sinks into his arms, closing her eyes. "We should unpack now so we don't have to worry about it later," she says after a moment.

He chuckles against the skin of her neck. "We should, yes. But let's not."

She turns to face him. "Why?"

"I want Alexis to come over."

"Of course. She should. But we can unpack—"

"I want to talk to her about Hartley."

That stops her cold. She stares at him for a second before she answers. "Rick, we just landed. We don't have to do that now."

"I want to." She must look skeptical because he continues. "It's important to me that she approves."

"I know. It's important to me too. We won't do it if she doesn't. But I don't want you to feel like we have to rush this because you're afraid I'm upset about leaving him."

He smiles. "You are. But I'm not doing it because of that."

She moves closer to him, placing her hands on her chest. "Rick."

He smiles. "Kate."

"Let's…let's just breathe, okay? Just for tonight. We'll make dinner, go to bed. First thing tomorrow, we'll reevaluate."

He studies her. "You want to be sure before you talk to Alexis."

She nods, grateful that he speaks her language. "I want to be sure."

X-X-X-X-X

Kate wakes in the middle of the night feeling cold. She rolls over, wanting to burrow into Rick, but she finds the other side of the bed empty. She frowns, her sleep-addled brain trying to connect the dots. She squints at the bedside clock and reads the blaring red numbers. 3:17.

She sits up and looks around. When she wakes up in the middle of the night to find him gone, it's always because he's writing. She knows where to find him. When she throws the covers off and puts her feet on the floor, she shivers; Rick's thin t-shirt is little protection against the cold. Before she heads to his study, she finds a pair of sweatpants and pulls them on.

When she gets out of the bedroom, she realizes the light in his study isn't on. She scans the loft and sees him sitting in front of the window. She moves toward him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and lowering her mouth to his ear.

"Hi," she whispers.

He covers her hands with his. "I couldn't sleep."

"I thought you'd be writing."

He traces his thumb over the back of her hand. "I kept waiting for him to cry and wake us up but he didn't because he's not here."

Kate goes still. She didn't expect that from him. It was hard for her to fall asleep too.

"Does it feel wrong to you?" he continues. "That he's not here with us?"

She swallows. "Yeah."

"Me too. I didn't think it would. I mean I hoped…but I guess I didn't realize how much I…"

He doesn't finish the thought, but he doesn't have to. Another long silence ensues. After a while her back starts to ache so she straightens and tugs on his hand. "Come to bed with me."

"I'm just going to stare at the ceiling."

"Then we can stare at it together."

He likes that. She knows because he kisses her impulsively, pulling her down to him like it's the last time he'll ever get the chance. Then he stands up and follows her to their bedroom, their fingers interlaced. She crawls into bed after him and puts her head on his chest after she slings her leg over his. He traces his hand over her back.

"Maybe we'll get used to it," she whispers into the darkness. "Maybe we need a couple of nights and then we'll go back to the way things were."

"I'm not sure I want to."

She picks her head up to look at him. Their eyes hold.

"We could paint Mother's old room," he says. "Turn it into a nursery. When he gets older we'll have to repaint, though. Something manly. Like football. Or steak."

She can't help it. She laughs. He smiles.

"Alexis will have a wardrobe picked out in a matter of days. Lanie will want to throw a baby shower, I'm sure. You'll have to tell the boys they're going to be uncles. And you have to let me do the potty training. I'm very good at it."

"Are you?" Kate says, caught somewhere between amused and stunned at the suddenness of it all.

"Oh yes. But you have to handle the shoe tying. Alexis wore Velcro until she was five and then finally learned how to tie her shoes in kindergarten. We can do public school if you want, but I wouldn't mind paying for private school. We'll have to talk about spanking versus time outs. How to deal with the press. And—"

"Rick."

He stops. She bites her lip and raises her eyebrows. He knows what she's asking.

"I'm not being rash," he answers. "I can picture it. You and me and him. I know you can too. So why waste more time pretending we need to think about it when we don't?"

She mulls it over for a while, her thoughts moving in time to his hand on her back.

"What if something happens to me?"

She's afraid to say it, but she can't say yes, can't let him say yes, until she does. It's a thought that's been in the back of her mind since her days at the academy. She knows what it's like to lose a parent. What it's like to walk around with a hole in your heart that reminds you you're empty at the worst possible times. She doesn't want to pass that feeling on to someone else.

"That's not fair," he answers.

"Doesn't make it any less of a possibility."

"What if we don't adopt him? And what if something happens to you then? Where does that leave me?"

She feels a sharp pang of hurt and frowns. "What are you–"

"What if you get hit by a bus? What if I die in a plane crash? Or a fire? What if something happens to both of us? What if something happens to him?"

"Stop it," she demands, pushing away from him. She sits up, puts her back to him and pulls her knees to her chest. She runs a hand through her hair. Silence fills the room until she feels like her ears are ringing. She feels the bed move, and he trails a finger down the curve of her shoulder.

"You can ask what ifs until you drown in them, Kate. But they won't do you a damn bit of good."

She doesn't answer. She isn't sure what to say. He's right. But if she could only have the tiniest bit of proof that she wouldn't break Hartley's heart someday, then she'd be fine.

"You want guarantees?" he asks.

"No. I know there aren't any. I just don't want to break him."

"You won't." She looks over her shoulder at him. "Que sera, sera, Kate. Stop trying to read the last page first."

X-X-X-X-X

Alexis can't stop smiling. Her dad and Kate are sitting across the table from her looking anything but normal. He's on the edge of his chair, his arm draped over the back of Kate's chair.

"And, you know, we sort of fell in love with him," he says. He's stuttering, maybe because he can see the smile on her face. Kate doesn't make an attempt to speak for him, which is what she usually does when he stutters. Alexis wonders if the detective is more nervous than she seems.

"We still have a lot to talk about," he continues. He glances at Kate, and she smiles softly. "But we wanted to see what you thought about us adopting him."

He finally looks at Alexis, and she feels like she's literally vibrating from the excitement. "I think it's the best idea you've ever had."

Kate turns her attention to Alexis, an eyebrow arched. "You do?" she asks, speaking for the first time.

"I definitely do," Alexis answers. "The only better idea would be a wedding." She looks at her dad pointedly, and then laughs when they both flush bright crimson.

"Alexis," he says in warning.

She's not a teenager anymore so she doesn't apologize. She shrugs instead. "I'm just saying." She looks at Kate. "You're sure you want this?"

Kate tilts her head. "What do you mean?"

"I mean this wasn't one of his runaway schemes that snowballed and swept you away before you could say no, was it? That's really what the orphanage started as."

Alexis notices her dad shift in his chair. Kate cuts him a glance, and then looks back to Alexis. "Actually I, um…I'm the one who was scheming this time."

"I want it too."

Alexis gets the feeling he's saying it for Kate's benefit and not hers, even though he's looking at her.

"Well I'm all in," Alexis says. "I think it's great. I think you guys will be great parents. And he doesn't have any parents, so….it's great. All of it's great. You're giving him a better life."

Her dad and Kate look at each other and Alexis smiles. They're adorable. They've been adorable since she was fifteen, back when Kate was still Detective Beckett, her dad's muse-slash-work-partner and nothing more. It was always more, Alexis knows that, but she doesn't think they do.

"What's his name?" she asks.

This time it's Kate who answers. "Hartley."

"Hartley," Alexis repeats with a grin. She looks at her father. "Dad used to read me 'Frost at Midnight' when I was little."

Kate lifts her eyebrows. "Really."

"Really," Alexis laughs. "It's great," she says, shaking her head. "Everything is great. Do it. I want to meet him."


End file.
